NFL Week 13, lucky 13

Week 12 Results

CORRECT 16. PIT @ KC: I've been getting the big point games wrong and frankly I shouldn't. PIT
CORRECT 15. GB @ DET: Detroit is crazy lucky at Thanksgiving, but only Rodgers out of the game saves this one. PACKERS
CORRECT 14. SF @ BAL: every time I pick against the Ravens, they win.  Harbaugh bowl will be no different with SF travelling east on 4 days rest to face the Ravens.  RAVENS
CORRECT 13. CLE @ CIN: home team wins...CIN
CORRECT 12. CAR @ IND: Peyton Manning didn't get better over the bye, nor did his teammates..PANTHERS
CORRECT 11. NE @ PHI: I don't believe it, I dare Vince Young to throw.  PATSIES
CORRECT10. MIA @ DAL: I pick against Miami and they win, I will do it again.  DALLAS
CORRECT 9. NYG @ NO: a stiff Brees will blow through the Giants in this one, perhaps an upset pick. SAINTS
CORRECT 8. MIN @ ATL: I'm tired of picking now, 16 is just too many...ATL
WRONG 7. DEN @ SD: Someone should tell Tebow he isn't this lucky...BOLTS
CORRECT 6. BUF @ NYJ: Both coming off dizzying losses to bad teams: Revis vs. Fitz... J-E-T-S
WRONG 5. CHI @ OAK: Palmer doesn't have it all together yet, BEARS.
WRONG 4. WAS @ SEA: Does anyone truly care? SEATTLE SOUNDERS
CORRECT 3. TB @ TEN: There should be some logic to this, but I think CJ2K has a decent day: TITANS
WRONG 2. HOU @ JAC: No Schaub, Leinart is rusty despite 2 weeks of work... JAGS
CORRECT 1. ARI @ STL: Helter Skelton puts together a decent game as does the D, CARDS

Finally, a week I can call home. 12-4 with most of my heavy points picks correct.

Week 13 Picks

16. BAL @ CLE - Perhaps the Ravens new I wanted them to lose.  Here they should win easily.  RAVENS

15. STL @ SF - no, the Ravens didn't show anyone how to beat the 49ers, certainly not the Rams.  49ERS

14. IND @ NE - Sunday Night Football is kicking themselves, PATSIES in a laugher

13. NYJ @ WAS - I'm not buying the Skins or the Jets, but Rex likes to throw the picks and Revis likes to accomodate.  JETS

12. DAL @ ARI - 228 Rushing Yards?  Wow.  Consistency has always been the killer though.  COWBOYS

11. ATL @ HOU - No Schaub, no Leinart.  Do the Texans know it is too late to Suck for Luck?  FALCONS

10. CIN @ PIT - Steelers have to win this to keep pace.  STEELERS

9. DEN @ MIN - Picking against Tebow is like shaking a finger in God's face. I'm not chancing fate for the Vikings.  BRONCOS.

8. PHI @ SEA - Phire Andy Reid, but after they clobber the 12th, 13th and 751st man.  EAGLES

7. DET @ NO - Saints

6. SD @ JAC - Bolts

5. TEN @ BUF - Wicked Fahst vs. Wicked Smaht (and Wicked Drohps the Bahll).  BILLS.

4. CAR @ TB - Pirates

3. OAK @ MIA - Raidas

2. KC @ CHI - battle of the bad QBs, Bears

1. GB @ NYG - epic battle, will be replayed in Lambeau in the playoffs. Packers win this time.

The Santa List

I've always loved creating my Christmas list.  I enjoyed it way more than writing a letter to Santa. (and way way more than writing thank you cards!)

Come on, it's a LIST!  

And it's getting stuff!  

I remember sitting down with the Sears catalog to pick out toys.  You see my Parents hated loved me enough to limit my television watching to 1 hour per day.  You can only imagine that I didn't get to see too many toy commercials.  Now, we often got bit more times around the holidays, you know for some Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special and all the Christmas specials.

As you might imagine, my biggest problem growing up wasn't WHAT to put on the list, but how to order it...yeah I was that kid.  My initial thought was ordering by my desire need for the gift in question.  The stuff at the top was the most important critical to my very happiness survival.

I came to realize as I grew up that my parents were hell bent on getting me crappy stuff clothes and other crappy stuff books, so I realized that it would be better to control what I was getting rather than having it dictated to me.  In my desire to do this, my sense of Santa's precious list and it's order was thrown for a loop.

Today's list is the best representation of all my old and new styles.  It looks something like this:

SCOTT'S Christmas & Birthday List

Toys (note Toys are ALWAYS first on the list)

Cool Techie thingamabob $60 http://www.thinkgeek.com/cooltechiethingamabob.html (note the price and URL...and the top placement on the list)

Clothes

Jeans Levi's 550 34x32 (don't judge me by my svelt figure, but note I am specific on make and model)

Work Shirts (not as specific)

Sweaters (3rd on the list and not specific, there is a madness to the method)

Books

Gift Card for Amazon (I put Amazon first because I can get lots of stuff there, but mostly books)

Gift Card for Barnes & Noble

Now, in case you are wondering, the list above is mostly fictitious (didn't stop you from clicking the link to thinkgeek (because you are a discerning shopper (and blog lover (and lover of parentheses)))) but you get my point.  I value format and placement, because asterisks would be over-the-top, not to mention throw off the Feng Shui of the list. Extra bolding within the list is also overkill and it makes the list hard to follow.

Here's hoping your list brings the Red Rider BB Gun and that you don't shoot your eye out.  And please don't fall for this: 

What does your list hold, and more importantly how is it ordered?

When Delightful turns to Delirious and Deluded!

I know that by now, you all know my every thought and action... and never could you imagine that I could be anything less than delightful.

I could...

I'll let that sink in.

So, what could possibly remove the delightful from yours truly? CAFFEINE!

Another wiring diagram from my first transistor radio to the right? No, that's just my kryptonite, caffeine.  You just thought it took the cute form of a coffee bean or a can of Mountain Dew?  It is actually a molecule thingy.

I'm one of those rare "morning people" and I rarely "need" coffee to get going.  I do like the taste, so I will have a cup especially in cold weather.  Most times I will get half decaf (how often is the decaf actually fresh?) or all decaf, but I don't shy away from leaded. I'm an IT guy, but I'm no developer, so you aren't going to find a graveyard of empty Mountain Dew cans on my desk.  I'm not even going to drain a Coke while working.  Energy drinks...don't make me laugh.

I'm sure I've mentioned my ADHD to you fine folks, so you can only imagine what happens if my one cup of coffee that is supposed to be all decaf ends up all caffeine?

Well, at first there is an inflated sense of accomplishment or at least the ability to accomplish.  I'm the model employee at this time because I will accomplish my tasks on time and on budget. I'm typically happy and if I were to win the lottery, I would give away the majority of the winnings.  It is a fabulous time to live, one where I believe I can do many things, including (unfortunately) drinking more caffeine.

Following that there is a slight rise in enthusiasm for life and for my fellow man, woman, and child. The sense of ability to accomplish is "further heightened." The picture at the right shows that "heightening."

During this period, I am able to accomplish feats of speed that cannot be imagined.  I have tracked down bullets in flight. In fact, during the writing of this blog, I consumed two Red Bulls and ran on a treadmill while writing.  The treadmill was set up to generate electricity to charge the iPad.  Well, I exploded the first one with a surge of electricity.  So I ran out to get another iPad and being Sunday, many stores were closed, so I ran to the production factory in China and picked up another.  This was a very difficult run for me, mainly because the ADHD is so strong, I had a hard time keeping my train of thought going.

Like any controlled substance, when the caffeine wears off and leaves my system, I am typically left with a cold sweat, an occasional migraine, and a serious need for a nap.  Like waking up after a night of heavy drinking, there is often a sense of "I did what?" though it is often just the opposite..."you mean I didn't finish that project?"

So are you a morning person or a night owl?  
How does caffeine affect you?

Man-giene

Its starts as a small misplaced tuft.

Then it looks like untrimmed nose hairs.

It works its way into slowly creeping sideburns.

BAMM! Teenwolf.

Michael J. Fox, Wolfin'... before it was sexy

 

It has been a while since I got to teach my first "little boy" how to shave with a 2 blade Bic disposable. Then, unlike now, he could shave once every 2 months and get away with it. Now as he goes through this stage of his manhood, he needs a shave more frequently. I got him a real razor, one with a little heft in his hand, 5 blades of awesome cutting power with just enough of a gooey strip on the front that he could "dry shave" if necessary.

 

For those of you that haven't heard of this, tune in (or in the case of you men, turn in, as in your man card) as I tell you about it. Who doesn't remember Bill Duke (awesome name) in Predator with his Bic? Back in the day before the "glide strip" this guy was shaving with just his sweat as the lubricant between the razor and his skin! That is the ultimate in dry shaving. Today, it is a bit easier with the glide strip that comes on most razors. Though it isn't recommended by the makers, dry shaving is born of the day that you aren't as on-time as you had hoped and don't have time for a full shaving experience.

 

The dry shave is akin to the "spit bath" which isn't nearly as disgusting as it sounds. The theory on the spit bath is once again, you don't have time to complete a full shower (clearly we have too much going on in the morning, or we just like our beauty sleep) so you cut a corner. Who needs water beating down on you when a simple wet washcloth will take the required layer of crud off. Now we guys can get crud in lots of unmentionable places, but the theory is any place with hair is going to be stink village, so concentration on those areas is key to the spit bath. The spit bath used in conjunction with a little cologne is the key to getting through the day.

 

You: well we're almost presentable within a limited time window, this is amazing!

Me: but wait, there's more!

 

We've dealt with your facial hair and your body odor, but what about your clothes? Many guys will talk about their experiences with flip-siding and free-balling but both are relatively disgusting and won't leave you feeling any cleaner. The important concept to glean here is "dryer-clean." Favorite work pants in the dryer with a dryer sheet for 5 minutes...like new. Favorite shirt a little wrinkled? Same thing only with a damp washcloth. If you followed my advice from above, I know you've got one of those. I do recommend that you rinse and wring before deploying it to the dryer if you've used it in the spit bath. Now, keep I mind that if you've competed in some competitive contact sport, this technique isn't going to work for those clothes, trust my personal experience there.

 

All these tips are tried and proven, did I miss any that you have used?

 

 

I'd like to say that I haven't dipped into the archive, but this was too good and on topic for the dudes over at DudeWrite. You should check us out there. Read a few posts and leave a comment. Come back and vote on Tuesday (Monday night if you're prompt) Vote for me before I get a complex about being unloved.

 

USS Strep Throat

So after my daughter came down with Strep Throat recently, my wife concludes (as with all things) it is surely my fault.  I must be a carrier.

USS Strep Throat...not to be confused with the Good Ship Lollipop

I harbor parasites.

My ship has come in carrying fame and fortune.

Perhaps it also lives in my naval?

It makes a little bit of twisted sense, I am the only human in the house with Tonsils.  Not sure why I still have them, given my childhood history of allergies and sore throats, and of course my love of ice cream should have had me begging for surgery.  My wife's tonsils were so large they could almost close her throat when inflamed.  Those were the genetic tonsils passed on to the kids.

Personally, I blame the cat, but I can't find scientific evidence on Wikipedia to support that, but this has to be conclusive visual evidence... I see white spots...

Cat poop contains Toxoplasma Gondii (no, not that Ghandi) which is a nasty infectious critter that pregnant women should avoid, so why shouldn't we believe they harbor Strep Throat?

If we kiss the cat, are we going to get Strep? We should ask Katy Perry, cause that chick kisses anything for a song.

So it seems that based on scientific study, 1 in 10 people carry the bacteria Streptococcus pyogenes which is Strep Throat.  Similarly, people carry Staph and some of the bacteria that causes pneumonia.  Yup, serious cooties living among us... Y'all are just walking zombies.

So, you'd think there was some secret society for carriers of famous bacteria, but there isn't, I checked. No League of Extraordinary Bacterial Colonies. It could be that said society exists and I simply don't have what it takes to be a member, such is my life.  I am always an underdog (not THE Underdog) and my bacteria and I will always get picked last in basketball, well in front of the kid in the wheelchair... unless he sits really tall in the saddle. They will rue the day, my bacteria got game.

That is, err, the CAT'S bacteria got game!

***My wife doesn't blame me for all things, just for blaming her for blaming me for all things, which I suppose now she has documented evidence of (hanging preposition, yes!)

Follow NOW for Black Friday deals!!!!

I had to try, right?  I mean, my readers are smarter than that, aren't you?  You aren't the types to get sucked in by advertising.  I don't even say that because many of my friends and likely readers are geeks who would rather hit "Cyber-Monday" from the comfort of their nerd lair than go out in public.  You know I love you, but some of you see the finger pointing out from the screen at this point (says the geek typing a blog on an iPad while laying in bed).

I've done this madness a time or two, mainly because some store was offering a wickedly sick deal on some hot item.  

I don't mind the getting up.  

I don't mind the standing in line. 

I don't even mind getting up early, to stand in a long line, in the cold, heck throw in a mile hike to the store from available parking...I don't mind! 

(now if the walk to and from said parking is uphill both ways and I am barefoot... that's too much like my school days, now get off my lawn!)

What I mind is the rest of you grabby, crabby, self-important, me-first-attitude-having people.  I'm sure that I will miss some of the best sales on the planet.  I regularly miss the fireworks on our National Mall. I also miss one heck of a time at the Preakness Stakes each year.

Frankly people, if there is one thing possibly worse than you people at an event in a crowd is you same people getting to and from that event. You get behind the wheel and I don't want to share a parking lot with you, let alone the highway.

Edwards: So why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it.

And some stores are worse than others, not that I am by any means a "shopper.". I don't want to be in Toys-R-Us at any time during the year, let alone some shopping holiday.  I'll take my time at anything.com before I go there.  Best Buy is one of the few places I have gone on Black Friday, but after the little blue-haired lady ran me over with her dolly loaded up with the 62" Flat Screen, I decided I could trust her or the rest of you anymore.

So, why, you ask am I even talking about it?  Well, Mrs. Mynd is on the mend from foot surgery and she is like some of you sickos who enjoy the annual running of the bulls Black Friday ritual. Well, her fun is curtailed which means that yours truly is going to pinch hit and help out with the shopping.  She asked me tonight if I wanted to go on Friday...and push her in a wheelchair?!?  I love my wife, but like the rest of you, she is probably fairly normal (though you do read my Mynd blog) during the other 364 days of the year, but a psycho on Black Friday.  I can think of plenty of other things on my list of "break in case of emergency" activities that will get done before I do Black Friday with a wheelchair bound hellion.

• Opera - and not the cool Phantom-of type.... Yeah, crowds and singing in foreign languages, Yeah!
• Hitting the Nude Beach - ok, crowds and people I don't want to see in a bikini, not in a bikini... Yup, just threw up in my mouth.
• NASCAR - I know some of you think it's grand, but I like some right turns now and again, oh and less sitting with lots of my fellow man.
• Root Canal - never had one, just the way people talk about them, I'm pretty sure not even dentists like them, but hey...no crowds.
• Anything involving the ER - crazy crowded waiting rooms where the chairs suck and everyone is coughing.

So this year should make for an interesting shopping year.  I'm pretty sure my dad was in charge one year and that might have been the year that we got a new TV.

So are you going Black Friday or Cyber Monday shopping? Or are you all done?

Victoriously Twain

Has anyone else noticed that Victoria Justice looks a lot like Shania Twain?

Yeah, my extensive research has shown that hot women pictured in a blog lead to more comments, followers, general bloggy goodness. My extensive research can be reviewed here : http://itsmynd.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-get-stalked-on-blogger.html

(You can't argue with research... Why do you doubt me?)

How about the fact that Doppelgänger looks nothing like "looks a lot like??"

Our "friend" Wikipedia defines Doppelgänger as follows: In fiction and folklore, a doppelgänger (German "double walker") (pronounced [ˈdɔpəlˌgɛŋɐ] ( listen)) is a paranormal double of a living person, typically representing evil or misfortune. In the vernacular, the word has come to refer to any double or look-alike of a person.

That's like the difference between the middle of the universe and the center of the universe.  Middle of the Universe is some astro-physicky thing that will be debated by people like Carl Sagan and Al Gore.  Center of the Universe is me, well unless you ask my wife, or Al Gore.

How about this guy and Anthony "Goose" "Dr. Greene" Edwards (yes, it does look like I advocated an inappropriate act with him, but no I'm not asking that you goose him)

When my son was very young Dr. Mark Greene was featured on the cover of TV Guide. My son was thrilled that I was on the cover of a magazine and told everyone that I was. One of the best weeks of my life when that went down.

I definitely see the Dr. Greene, but some have also made a Marshall Mathers reference, yeah Eminem. Clearly my double of misfortune.  I rap more like Vanilla Ice than 8 Mile here.

So, why, you might ask would I know who Victoria Justice is?  First, I'm not dead.  Second, I have a seven year old daughter who wants to be her. Third, I have two teenage boys who, well, let's not get into their "tolerance" of Ms. Justice, on behalf of their sister of course!

Now, Shania...< sigh > long have I pined after / for her. Yeah, giant coniferous tree. What?!  I looked around on my favorites phrases site to understand "pined after" with very little luck. 

I saw the obvious "riding the pine" which refers to sitting on a bench made of pine during a sporting event that you anticipated playing in (hanging prepositions are back people!)

I also found pine box references which are death / coffin examples.

So, apparently people have been using this word combination for a long time with no real understanding of why.  That seems strange to me.  Apparently, and not surprisingly, all "pine after" roads seem to lead to William Shakespeare (who is like Cher, Bono, Gaga, and Jordan in that only one name is necessary, as in Shakespeare... ("No the other Shakespeare" isn't something you hear often (oh, look nesting parentheses are back too))) Now, since Shakespeare doesn't seem like the athletic type, I doubt he confused a baseball-ish reference when writing.  He was likely either thinking "I feel like a tree that never loses its color, without you." or perhaps more likely "I wouldst rather have myself die and put in a pine box after the death of thee!" (only it would be more rhymey). There mystery solved.

And that friends is how you blog randomly... (and with ellipsises)

NFL Week 12

Week 11 Results

CORRECT 14. KC @ NE - little Matt Cassel comes home to face a lousy Pats D. Only he is hurt. Belicheat kept the right QB. Patriots.
WRONG 13. NYJ @ DEN - nothing terrifies Darrel Revis, except maybe facing a QB who doesn't throw... Jets.
CORRECT 12. TB @ GB - are you kidding, Packers
WRONG 11. BUF @ MIA - I am not convinced that Miami is good or Buffalo is that bad, Bills
CORRECT 10. ARI @ SF - is this a trap game? Helter Skelton can't beat the 49ers. 49ers
CORRECT 9. DAL @ WAS - Shanahan is crazy, Grossman is crazy bad, Dallas in a laugher.
WRONG 8. JAC @ CLE - seems like I don't care when the Browns play, let's go Jags this time.
CORRECT 7. CAR @ DET - Suh vs. Newton better than pay-per-view. Lions get it done in the end.
CORRECT 6. SEA @ STL - last game, Rams best Browns, Seahawks beat Ravens, you're thinking Hawks, I'm thinking Rams.
WRONG 5. PHI @ NYG - Vick hurt, Kolb gone, Giants win.
CORRECT 4. OAK @ MIN - Ponder this, defense wins football games. Vikings don't have one. Raiders.
CORRECT 3. SD @ CHI - Love makes me believe they are the bridge over troubled Rivers. Bears
WRONG 2. TEN @ ATL - Blood in the water, Falcons made a blunder one 4th down to lose a game. Schaub hurt for the Texans, so,Titans could actually win and will.
WRONG 1. CIN @ BAL - not sure if they are still in a daze or looking forward to the 49ers, but Ravens spiral continues. Bengals.
Not a fantastic week 8-6

Week 12 Picks

16. PIT @ KC: I've been getting the big point games wrong and frankly I shouldn't. PIT
15. GB @ DET: Detroit is crazy lucky at Thanksgiving, but only Rodgers out of the game saves this one. PACKERS
14. SF @ BAL: every time I pick against the Ravens, they win.  Harbaugh bowl will be no different with SF travelling east on 4 days rest to face the Ravens.  RAVENS
13. CLE @ CIN: home team wins...CIN
12. CAR @ IND: Peyton Manning didn't get better over the bye, nor did his teammates..PANTHERS
11. NE @ PHI: I don't believe it, I dare Vince Young to throw.  PATSIES
10. MIA @ DAL: I pick against Miami and they win, I will do it again.  DALLAS
9. NYG @ NO: a stiff Brees will blow through the Giants in this one, perhaps an upset pick. SAINTS
8. MIN @ ATL: I'm tired of picking now, 16 is just too many...ATL
7. DEN @ SD: Someone should tell Tebow he isn't this lucky...BOLTS
6. BUF @ NYJ: Both coming off dizzying losses to bad teams: Revis vs. Fitz... J-E-T-S
5. CHI @ OAK: Palmer doesn't have it all together yet, BEARS.
4. WAS @ SEA: Does anyone truly care? SEATTLE SOUNDERS
3. TB @ TEN: There should be some logic to this, but I think CJ2K has a decent day: TITANS
2. HOU @ JAC: No Schaub, Leinart is rusty despite 2 weeks of work... JAGS
1. ARI @ STL: Helter Skelton puts together a decent game as does the D, CARDS

How to get Stalked on Blogger!

Blog Comparison

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...

Any Questions?

Thankful for YouTube!

Who doesn't like a little YouTube? I would say that YouTube has been responsible for turning many bad days around. It is our glimpse into the regular lives of idiots and the occasional idiotic moment in the life of a regular person.

So on this Sunday prior to Thanksgiving, here are some fun Thanksgiving related YouTubes...

Starting with this fun little ditty about Pilgrims.

Who doesn't love Robert DeNiro and Billy Crystal? Are you gobbling at me? Are YOU gobbling at ME?

Truly bizarre Thanksgiving dinner.

And what Thanksgiving (or any other holiday) would be complete without a few Friends moments.

One of my favorite musical pieces!

...and one that is rising up the charts...

The Threats My Body Hears

Ever have that moment when as you are driving to the Doctor's office that you don't feel that bad?

That was my Tuesday.  Plagued by sinus issues to the point of a migraine headache on Sunday night, I felt a bit better on Monday, but my Monday night was ruined by another headache.  This one wasn't quite as bad, but it was clear that it was DEEEEEEEP in my sinuses.  No, I'm not a doctor, but I play a Vet on TV.  And when I say TV, I mean the box the TV came in (yes, if I can fit my melon in there, you know it ain't a flat screen).  BTW, Goodwill doesn't take tube televisions anymore.  Apparently even the poorer people have to pony up money for a flat screen.

Anyway, Tuesday came and I still hadn't made a miraculous recovery so I made the promise to my wife that I would go to the Doctor.

Imagine my disgust when I made the appointment and as I left the office for the 5 minute trip to the doctor, I realized that I might actually feel better.  I am a bit weird that way, its like opposite white-coat syndrome.  I panic using the blood pressure cuff at the local supermarket. Don't they realize that when they squeeze your arm like that it makes the pressure go up?

Now, take me to the bones and I'm cool as a cucumber straight out of the fridge.  I sat there on the table thinking "I'm wasting the doctor's time!"  Then I had that moment that should be normal panic, only it was horribly messed up panic. 

Yeah, here was my thought:

"What if I really AM sick and the doctor doesn't realize it and I don't get any medicine for my illness / infection / plague??!!??"

But of course, it gets worse...

"I'll tell the doctor that I still feel the way I felt on Sunday and Monday night."

Billy Mays: But wait, order now and you can receive...

"What if the doctor can tell I'm not being truthful and doesn't give me medicine for my illness / infection / plague?"

So as my mind rattled through all its bad options about how I wasn't going to get medicine or worse, I'll have to pay the "lying to the doctor" fee, which of course is one of many that isn't covered by insurance....the doctor came in.

Turns out the cough I've had for the last month (which I am pretty sure was an allergic reaction to our uncovered down comforter) peeked her interest far more than my head.  What is truly hysterical is that they shine the light up your nose and in your ears (and don't look for it coming out the other side) and then they do that ridiculous tapping.

Dr.:"How does that feel?"
Me: "Like you're tapping on my head..."
Dr.: "Any pain?"
Me: "I don't usually tap on my face, especially when healthy, so how would I know if it is more or less painful than this."

That conversation came strictly out of my sinus and may not bear accurate representation of what went down.

Suffice it to say I got my Anti-biotic... Zithromax.  which sounds cool so I was excited. I, of course, read all the documentation that came with it to include my own personal chemistry lesson (pictured to the right, this is either the Colonels Secret Recipe or the wiring on my Chevrolet). I imagine that reading one of these documents is like reading software licensing. For all I know it could say the same thing. I imagine that Microsoft Windows licensing, my Zithromax prescription, automobile insurance, pet shampoo, and iPhone warranties all carry the same basic disclaimers. Things like, "may cause diarrhea," "test on discrete area," and "avoid driving while using this product" as well as "may cause sleeplessness" and "prolonged exposure may result in discoloration" and finally "void where prohibited." (Which if you think about it, is a commandment to go to the bathroom just about anywhere that is frowned upon!)

So being the good patient, I took my two red pills...

Morpheus: You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Apparently, rabbit-holes make me nauseous and almost want to puke... It didn't caution me about that in the instruction novel!!

Lovely.

The Lesson of the Reef Tank

I thought I would share this with you all. It was written during a particularly dark time in my life and it carries a number of lessons with it. What I wrote here was born of a simple question asked of me by my dad. Many of you who know me, understand that I struggle with perfection and an often unattainable goal of it. With that in mind, know that I often start a blog post, returning to it several times for many edits prior to its being worthy of your eyes.

This answer was written straight out as an answer to the question. I feel that it was passed through me to the "paper". Call it "inspired" or perhaps God was giving me an answer. Hopefully you will allow me to reprint it here outside my normal snarky cynical posts.

(This was actually the reef that resided in my living room)

For years I had a reef tank.
I made time each night to check its temperature, its salinity.
I cleaned its glass to remove algae.
Once a week I did water changes to keep everything in balance.
I purchased new corals and fish to make it beautiful.
I fed those corals and fish the best food to keep them healthy.
It was the kind of thing that required attention and money.
I loved my reef tank. It was my most cherished possession.
Its beauty was a reflection of my time, money and energy.
I enjoyed having people over so that would admire the tank.

I began to let other things creep into my life and steal time from my tank.
Often the temperature and salinity would require larger fixes.
The glass became acceptable "a little dirty" and I would promise myself I would fix it the next night.
The once a week, 5 gallon water changes became every other week 10 gallon changes, which became, once a month 10 gallon water changes. The tank became unhappy with the wild swings in attention.
As the attention waned, the corals and fish began to look unhealthy and some died.
It was no longer beautiful.
The food that was so good for them was overfed in attempts to make up for the lack of attention.
As the tank became less happy and the inhabitants died, my attention became less.
It was still a reflection of the lack of time, lack of money and lack of attention I showed it.
I didn't want people to see it.
I realized that I couldn't fix it in a single long moment, but that it would take consistent, intentional extra time over months to slowly bring it back to the equilibrium that I had achieved before.

I Gave Up. The tank was broken down.

I only wish that I was referring to my tank.

When Geeks Beat You Up

Recently I went to a meeting at the Board of Education to discuss bullying.

As they were discussing a recent survey, the most interesting concept came to light... Cyber Bullying...

What?

The Internet can beat you up?  OK, check your Junk E-Mail folder and see how much SPAM you get and then answer...

When I was in school (stay tuned to the part where I tell you to get off of my lawn) we didn't have the fancy Internet, so the bullys just beat you up with their fists. Sure there was a level of witty banter that belied the massive intellect under that mean exterior, oh who am I kidding! The geeks got beat up by the jocks.

Sure we had Revenge of the Nerds movies, but the Nerds still got beat up, the pretty girls just thought it made them cuter, so that was the Revenge.

Now we have Cyber-Bullying.  Loosely defined, if a child/ student uses technology to harrass another child/student it is Cyber-Bullying.  As adults, there are better classifications of Cyber-Harrassment and Cyber-Stalking which are crimes.

This is a real thing people! Kids are setting up Facebook or MySpace pages (seems like they are torturing themselves working on MySpace) AS other kids. So imagine if I set up a page with your name on it, then I put all sorts of bad stuff on your wall. I made you a homosexual anti-Semite with bad acne and a proclivity to collect Star Wars action figures that I've decided you like to pose in "odd" positions. Do you think that is going to make you more or less popular at school? Now likely you aren't going to get all those put together, but they are just some of the wonderful uses of just one of the medias in this bullying.

So in that I-don't-think-its-"cool"-but-if-there-could-be-something-sort-of-cool-in-this-bad-thing (man that was a lot of dashes, which i don't like nearly as much as parentheses or ellipsis's) Cyber-Bullying can be anonymous and can be put on the big guys by the little guys. The geeks can "beat up" the jocks. As I said though, this isn't cool and the victim goes through hell. I know, it happened to someone I know.

Makes me wish they'd just punch me and be done.

Get off my lawn

NFL Week 11

Week 10 Results

CORRECT 16. MIN @ GB - In the frozen tundra, against a rookie, yeah Packers all day.
WRONG 15. BAL @ SEA - This won't be close! Ravens.
WRONG 14. OAK @SD - San Diego put up 38 on Green Bay, look for the same here. Bolts.
WRONG 13. BUF @ DAL - Buffalo defense is a turnover party and Romo likes to party. Gimme the Bills
CORRECT 12. PIT @ CIN - the "Ginger Tiger" is a puddy-tat and that cat will be out of the bag and into the sack. Steelers
CORRECT 11. NO @ ATL - the mystery isn't around Matt Ryan this year, Saints.
WRONG 10. WAS @ MIA - in a rematch of a Super Bowl too long ago, the Dolphins kicker will again throw a pick 6. Probably not but the Redskins will use Beck's knowledge of the Miami climate to win. Redskins
WRONG 9. DEN @ KC - don't fool yourself, Denver wasn't that good and KC wasn't that bad. Chiefs are tough at home. Chiefs
CORRECT 8. HOU @ TB - Texans have a better D, more mature QB. Go Texans.
CORRECT 7. NE @ NYJ - Too bad the Jets can't really throw. Tom terrific can't lose 3 straight can he? Patsies
CORRECT 6. TEN @ CAR - I will go Titans again, since CJ2K could actually have a nice game, Titans
WRONG 5. STL @ CLE - I gotta say I don't care, but I gotta pick one so... Browns
WRONG 4. JAC @ IND - I like the Colts pass rush to force some mistakes. Colts
WRONG 3. ARI @ PHI - ok, Chicago gifted the Eagles some points else they'd lost big. In Philly, Eagles win.
CORRECT 2. DET @ CHI - I was writing off the Bears, that's right Lovie Smith I did! Bears in the Windy City.
WRONG 1. NYG @ SF -You can't spell Elite without Eli... you also can't spell Delicious, Elipsis, or Helicopter without Eli. I don't think he is any of them. Fortunately I can only spell Smithsonian with Alex Smith's name. Giants.

7-9 62 out of 136 points, not a great effort. I'm sure it was due to Thursday night football.

Week 11 Picks

14. KC @ NE - little Matt Cassel comes home to face a lousy Pats D. Only he is hurt. Belicheat kept the right QB. Patriots.
13. NYJ @ DEN - nothing terrifies Darrel Revis, except maybe facing a QB who doesn't throw... Jets.
12. TB @ GB - are you kidding, Packers
11. BUF @ MIA - I am not convinced that Miami is good or Buffalo is that bad, Bills
10. ARI @ SF - is this a trap game? Helter Skelton can't beat the 49ers. 49ers
9. DAL @ WAS - Shanahan is crazy, Grossman is crazy bad, Dallas in a laugher.
8. JAC @ CLE - seems like I don't care when the Browns play, let's go Jags this time.
7. CAR @ DET - Suh vs. Newton better than pay-per-view. Lions get it done in the end.
6. SEA @ STL - last game, Rams best Browns, Seahawks beat Ravens, you're thinking Hawks, I'm thinking Rams.
5. PHI @ NYG - Vick hurt, Kolb gone, Giants win.
4. OAK @ MIN - Ponder this, defense wins football games. Vikings don't have one. Raiders.
3. SD @ CHI - Love makes me believe they are the bridge over troubled Rivers. Bears
2. TEN @ ATL - Blood in the water, Falcons made a blunder one 4th down to lose a game. Schaub hurt for the Texans, so,Titans could actually win and will.
1. CIN @ BAL - not sure if they are still in a daze or looking forward to the 49ers, but Ravens spiral continues. Bengals.

Friends who don't lie!

Friends. Everyone has some. How good are they?

Scene in our bedroom, my wife recently got her hair colored... She had some friends come visit after her surgery who will be named Diane and Ellen to protect the innocent and not so innocent.
Diane: oh, you got your hair done...
Wife: yeah, Wednesday night.
Diane: its really red.
Wife: it is, but Scott doesn't like it.
Me: I just think the shade is a little too red, so it's not my favorite.
Ellen: Scott! You're supposed to tell her it looks great!

(ok just realized that it sounded like my wife's hair coloring was surgery... No she is not Medusa)

I was lucky in high school having the friends that I did. There was never a moment when I was lied to. Thus is the nature of guys, I think. We are always happy to tell our friends how stupid their decisions are or how ugly they are.

Girls appear to be just the opposite or at least partially.

I get it. There are the very small white lies where you tell other people niceties to encourage them. And then there is the other end of the spectrum where you have interventions for drug addicted or similarly problematic friends.

So that begs the question of when you tell the truth to your friends. What are the hot-button issues separated from the mundane?

Zits. We've all had them, some more recently than others. You have one on your nose. Girls have pity and try not to look. Guys are gonna get all up close and say things like "nope it really IS that big up close!" and the obvious Santa / Rudolph reference all the while thinking if the one on your nose has a matching partner on your tush.

Does this dress make my butt look big? Why do you women think you're getting any answer other than no? Guys ARE thinking we'd be happy to review a with / without the dress scenario.

Body odor. You gals would be mortified if you smelled like anything but lilacs. Believe it or not smelling like you bathed in the meadow isn't any better than post-basketball man stink. Nobody is going to admit that to you. Guys would abuse each other over our smells, but frankly we can't smell it. And we have farting competitions, duh!

Bad breath - holy halitosis batman. Everyone has morning breath, get over it. Girls simply avoid eating things that will produce breath like that. Guys don't have that much self-control. I'm not getting into the varieties, because it is late and we don't need to go running out for cheese-steaks, oh damn!

So why am I writing this particular blog? You could call it a double-dog dare, but really it was just a promise to immortalize a reader.

But seriously, don't bet I'm going to let you walk around in a fat dress, smelling like steroid meadow, eating onions there Rudolph! If you are a girl, don't think that because when you ask if you look good that you couldn't look better. Your friends aren't going to tell you. You should offer choices. "does this dress look better than my blue one?" "is this color better for me than the last one?"

Unless your friends are raving about your new sweater, they might not think it is as grand as you do.

Sunday, YouTube Sunday

Ok, its been another prolific (I put the pro-life in prolific) week in my mind. Sunday is a day to relax and laugh with me at some more of my favorite YouTube videos.

This week I will feature some of my favorite comics that you might not have heard of and some you have (it's hard to say who "you" are) starting with John Pinette who can be found on Facebook and YouTube.

Now would be a great time for YouTube to explain "related videos." As I'm watching a Pinette video, I see the related videos on the right side of the screen. As I might expect there are 6 more Pinette clips, followed by a woman who can move her humongous breasts with her muscles, then another stand up comic, followed by boobtastic builder babe, followed by Gabriel Eglasias and 4 more Pinette clips. That all seems fine, then I click load more videos... Wait, WHAT?!?!

Next up, this is one of my all time favorites Jeff Dunham and Achmed. Funniest darn muppet ever!

Sorry about the video quality of the next clip, but the laugh quality is excellent. This is Jim Breuer on alcohol:

Last and certainly not least, the Pachelbel Rant is flying under the radar but oh so funny.

What comedic genius that I have never heard of will you link me to?

Paying the don't call me tax

OMG! Public Service Announcement (mine works of course, provided you read it and pass it along)

Go here : http://www.donotcall.gov and register your cell phone, I will wait... (and work out on my Ellipsisical)

Apparently they were serious about letting telemarketers use cellular numbers to cold call. Since Tuesday when apparently my number dropped onto the grid, I have received an obscene number of calls that shockingly leave no voicemail. 18 calls from various numbers.

I shouldn't feel like this with my mobile!

 
From the Do Not Call question area (run by the FTC):

Yes, you may place your personal cell phone number on the National Do Not Call Registry. The registry has accepted cell phone numbers since it opened for registrations in June 2003. There is no deadline to register a home or cell phone number on the Registry.

You may have received an email telling you that your cell phone is about to be assaulted by telemarketing calls as a result of a new cell phone number database; however, that is not the case. FCC regulations prohibit telemarketers from using automated dialers to call cell phone numbers. Automated dialers are standard in the industry, so most telemarketers don’t call consumers on their cell phones without their consent.

I'm not buying this, just like I'm not buying what the callers are selling. I'm sure they (insidious telemarketers) have enlisted illegal immigrants to call me for slave wages. Who do I have to pay to not get these calls? Is this one of those Anti-Virus companies that make internet born viruses things? Clearly the bad lobbyists who represent the telemarketers are louder than the lobbyists who represent "we the people." I'm not a pay-more-taxes kind of guy, but at the rate these calls are arriving and during work hours, I'm ready to pay the "don't call me" tax.

So as part of the service I am offering today is that I will be dropping those numbers into my blog as if they are lucky lottery numbers. I hope that like me you will give them out as your own number when applying for credit cards or answering online surveys.

778-098-76 - British Columbia, Canada - where apparently they don't know how many digits to have.
775-969-8476 NV, USA
666-042-2375 (unknown) - Devil calling
800-528-7891 - unknown
662-278-0610 - 123wages.com

If I can just get them to call each other, that would be the bestest goal to have in life.

I WILL SELL YOU MY STUFF!!!!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SO YOU MUST BUY MY STUFF!

YOU WILL HEAR ME IN YOUR MIND AND YOU WILL BUY MY STUFF!

Working out on my Ellipsisical

Me: What do you mean I need to get in shape! I am in shape!
You: Well I mean that you should go to the gym with me. We'll hit the free weights, maybe the stair master for some cardio. We've got plenty of choices for cardio. You can do the bike, the treadmill, the elliptical, or the stair master.
Me: I'm not worried, and I use the ellipsis all the time.
You: you mean elliptical.
Me: sure...
...
In case you haven't been reading, I love me some dot-dot-dot.

The Internet's best resource ever ... Wikipedia talks about my friend as:

Ellipsis (plural ellipses; from the Ancient Greek: ἔλλειψις, élleipsis, "omission" or "falling short") is a series of marks that usually indicate an intentional omission of a word, sentence or whole section from the original text being quoted. An ellipsis can also be used to indicate an unfinished thought or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis). When placed at the beginning or end of a sentence, the ellipsis can also inspire a feeling of melancholy longing. The ellipsis calls for a slight pause in speech or any other form of text, but it is incorrect to use an ellipses solely to indicate a pause in speech.

It's like we share a life the ellipsis and I:
My scholastic career could have been characterized by the words "falling short."
Many of you should feel fortunate about the words or thoughts I have omitted in my share time with you.

Now I rarely have an unfinished thought, except in moments of severe ADHD, so all the... look a squirrel. Which begs the question, what does a squirrel who suffers from crippling ADHD see? (oh look, another squirrel?) (hey, a cricket) (human!!!)
I don't like to think I ever trail off into silence either, I like to think of them as dramatic pauses for effect! But Wikipedia says i shouldn't use it simply to pause... But wikipedia is often wrong.
Melancholy longing? I have it sometimes, but I find the ex-lax works pretty well to relieve it.

NFL Week 10 Picks

NFL Snarkiness on its way...

First the Results from last week
Week 9 Results
LOSE! 14. Mia @ KC - Anyone picking Miami at this point is past crazy, give me the Chiefs at home.
WIN! 13. STL @ ARI - They've almost beaten the Steelers and Ravens on back to back weeks and you can run on the Rams, give me the Cards
WIN! 12. GB @ SD - This should have been rock meeting hard place, but it is Best Pass Offense meets second to worst Pass Defense, Green Bay all over them.
WIN! 11. CLE @ HOU - Andre Johnson may be back, but you can run on the Brownies, give me the Texans
WIN! 10. SF @ WAS - Beck isn't hot-cold, he's just COLD, give me the 49ers
WIN! 9. ATL @ IND - Colts aren't beating anyone right now, Falcons
WIN! 8. SEA @ DAL - Dallas is starting to play fairly well and nobody is scared of Seattle, Cowboys
WIN! 7. TB @ NO - Tampa is rested and watched what the Rams did to the Saints, I don't care give me the Saints.
LOSE! 6. CHI @ PHI - Philly is getting back to winning and Cutler is getting back to Whining, Iggles
LOSE! 5. CIN @ TEN - Chris Johnson has to go off at some point, right? I like Titans here but I can't explain why.
LOSE! 4. NYG @ NE - They're mad and they will RUN against the Giants, give me the Patsies!
LOSE! 3. NYJ @ BUF - Forget Revis Island, you can run on the Jets, I like the Bills.
WIN! 2. DEN @ OAK - Denver faces the porous OAK Defense (no longer on the tribute to Al Davis march), I think Orton or Quinn comes in and wins this one.
LOSE! 1. BAL @ PIT - Too many Steelers banged up on D, this could be a shootout, Steelers but only because I am a homer.

So that's 8-6 with 72 out of 105 possible points

I love watching football and I know some of you do too. Some of you may even have a office pool pick 'em game at work. I decided to prognosticate the games as well as rank them from 14 to 1, or most probable to downright stupid. I hope you enjoy this TV timeout from my Mind!

Week 10 Picks

This should be a really competitive week, so all the picks seem to be difficult

16. MIN @ GB - In the frozen tundra, against a rookie, yeah Packers all day.
15. BAL @ SEA - This won't be close! Ravens.
14. OAK @SD - San Diego put up 38 on Green Bay, look for the same here. Bolts.
13. BUF @ DAL - Buffalo defense is a turnover party and Romo likes to party. Gimme the Bills
12. PIT @ CIN - the "Ginger Tiger" is a puddy-tat and that cat will be out of the bag and into the sack. Steelers
11. NO @ ATL - the mystery isn't around Matt Ryan this year, Saints.
10. WAS @ MIA - in a rematch of a Super Bowl too long ago, the Dolphins kicker will again throw a pick 6. Probably not but the Redskins will use Beck's knowledge of the Miami climate to win. Redskins
9. DEN @ KC - don't fool yourself, Denver wasn't that good and KC wasn't that bad. Chiefs are tough at home. Chiefs
8. HOU @ TB - Texans have a better D, more mature QB. Go Texans.
7. NE @ NYJ - Too bad the Jets can't really throw. Tom terrific can't lose 3 straight can he? Patsies
6. TEN @ CAR - I will go Titans again, since CJ2K could actually have a nice game, Titans
5. STL @ CLE - I gotta say I don't care, but I gotta pick one so... Browns
4. JAC @ IND - I like the Colts pass rush to force some mistakes. Colts
3. ARI @ PHI - ok, Chicago gifted the Eagles some points else they'd lost big. In Philly, Eagles win.
2. DET @ CHI - I was writing off the Bears, that's right Lovie Smith I did! Bears in the Windy City.
1. NYG @ SF -You can't spell Elite without Eli... you also can't spell Delicious, Elipsis, or Helicopter without Eli. I don't think he is any of them. Fortunately I can only spell Smithsonian with Alex Smith's name. Giants.

Feel free to leave yours so we can laugh at each other