Panic in the Museum

Not too long ago, I visited an Art museum in Baltimore. Now, some of you may be thinking that is really cool and some of you are on the opposite spectrum. I found it to be highly stressful and were it not for some good food and the awesomeness of Mrs. Mynd, I might have run screaming from the place.

Let me first say that art isn't bad. I don't dislike art for arts sake. It is the art "experience" that I take issue with.

To begin, I grew up in the suburbs of Washington, DC, home of the world's attic, I mean the Smithsonian, monstrosity of all museumhood. This meant lots of school field trips to the Nations Mall and countless projects where we were herded from room to room.

This was back when the economy was good, terrorism wasn't a threat, and bus rides were cheap.

Our solace was the gift shop and the cafeteria. If we were lucky our parents had given us money to spend on something entirely useless and likely having nothing to do with the museum we visited. We also got to dine on exotic cuisine in the cafeteria or at a minimum take the brown bag lunch with a soda wrapped in tin foil. (for better reception?) This was almost as good as getting to buy the chocolate mousse in the cafeteria. Granted, I was a boy and pretty much anything beat the "school experience" so field trips were good.

Field trips to art museums kind of ruined the experience as an adult. Going into the Smithsonian now seems like a madcap race to see it all at a breakneck pace without any real understanding. What if I just want to stand in front of the Hope fuzzin Diamond all day!?

My next problem with museums is that they are unintentionally boring. There is a lot of stuff that isn't moving.

For those of us with ADHD, we need a little movement. Something that says, "come look at me" without everything saying that because, well, that is just chaos in the brain. If there is music, it is always "pleasant" and "non-intrusive" and for many it causes some unintentional déjà-vu elevator moments. Stop doing that to me.

They should have a "Rock the Art" days where you get some AC/DC, some Bon Jovi, maybe some Nickelback ("Look at this Photograph...") I don't need a "Night at the Museum" experience where the exhibits come to life, really, I don't. Perhaps a captioning contest where you get to think up captions for some bizarre junk, I mean art. I'm sure that is just me being snarky.

The last issue that I take with Museums is the worst one of all. Those of you with linear thought processes might want to grab your favorite blankie, I'll wait...

Got it?

For those of us with linear thinking processes, museum layouts can be very stressful. Why can't they start in one place and give you a path to follow to see all the displays? I don't need rooms that interconnect! I need order! What if I missed something? (Goosefraba, Goosefraba...) We linear thinkers want a checklist of each item to mentally or better still, physically check off the list. There's nothing worse than getting to the "end" and sitting down for a coffee and someone says or asks "did you see the Rodin...breathtaking wasn't it?"

EEK! Did I see that? I was in such a hurry. Was that in a room I didn't see?

What is the museum etiquette on this? Will the artist, inventor, or curator be upset if we don't pause as long in front of their pet project? We could be spending time in front of the wrong thing! I have to think this feeling is akin to something I write that I think is pretty clever only to have my readership largely leave it uncommented upon.

As an aside, if you are ever in Baltimore, the Aquarium is expensive, but worth it. I could set up an office in the room where you watch the Sting Rays from behind the glass. Give me some of the new age music, dim lighting, and majestic underwater butterflies. If they could make the chairs more comfortable and get rid of the smell of feet, I'd be set! Heck give me some wifi and I'm setting up an office.