REDUX #4 : Spam Wars: The Hairline Grows Back

(Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like is posting his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. Because I am twisted, over the next 5 days I am going to post the 5 lowest viewed blogs from my 2011 blogs.  (I'm throwing out the YouTubes and the NFL stuff, but all the usual parentheses posts are here.) Chances are there’s at least a few you never saw the first time around.) 


"Pay Off Your House completely in 5 to 7 Years!"
"Refurbished Laptops for GREAT Deals."
"You've won" < useless or unrealistic opportunity here >
"Brittany takes her top off" (like who hasn't seen that already"

I am amazed at the drivel that (fortunately) bypasses my inbox daily. It is a struggle not to click to get those bigger and at the same time smaller boobs I have always not realized I can't wait to not want... Yeah. My email makes me feel like Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man. I could get new hair, new "junk", a free college education, all by taking my Nigerian Uncle's money.




"This is your final notice." (Who's Who Registry drivel) here's a hint, don't send me 11 final notices in an hour!

I gotta know, am I really an intellectual elitist snob? Does anyone actually fall for this? I grew up in the 'you can't get something for nothing' suburbs of the big city of Kick You in the Pants. I look in the mirror every day and realize... I can't possibly have a Nigerian relative.

So I get an email today saying I got a traffic ticket in New York City from back in July. It looked pretty darn official and for a half a second I was convinced that maybe my Nigerian cousin borrowed my car... Or Bumblebee (my Transformer car) had to go north to fight the Decepticons. But wait, I haven't moved in 4 years. Are you telling me that the NYPD has my email address? I realize that just because it isn't on my Driver's License, my vehicle registration, or my insurance card doesn't mean they couldn't have it, but please!

On a slightly similar, no transmission dropping subject, I saw a bumper sticker that said 'I hate it when I don't forward the chain email and then I die!' I love that and want to get a copy of it. Can someone please forward that to me... Without the obvious 'forward or die' ultimatum, of course. Why do you have to wish such good fortune and at the same time add the pressure of bad luck to emails? It makes me want to not forward them when they have the forward or die ending. Thankfully I am a man in control of his delete button. Want proof? I added the 'forward or die' to this blog post, but then to spare all of you (all 7)... I removed it!

Spam is the Jarjar Binks of the email world. It might even be the Star Wars II of the email world. I know that some of you believe it is the Darth Vader of the email world, but come on you would read it if you could imagine James Earl Jones saying it... Jarjar Binks in the other hand, had no idea how stupid he really was and sadly wanted to be taken seriously. That is almost the definition of Spam.

I would love to say that spam will go away, but some of you people keep on clicking it. If you're going to mindlessly click things, there are I am sure ads on my blog page that will bring me untold riches at a rate of micro pennies on the click, it is doubtless I will be quitting my job soon to blog full time. We all know that isn't a good thing for anyone.

These are not the two boobs you are looking for...