FCUK What IS That Smell?

Seriously?

I did it.

I braved the cologne counter.

I hate cologne...mainly because all that junk sounds French. Come on Eau De Toilette is supposed to inspire me to spray it on?

It was decided, yeah not by me...that given my current situation, I needed a makeover. Sure, new clothes would give me a new "me" but that pales in comparison to a new smell...or so I was told.

A good friend of mine, who happens to be a woman, told me I should give myself a new scent. Since I value her opinion and she has my best interests at heart, I decided to give it a whirl. Could just be that I don't like telling women "no."

So, with several recommendations tucked in my phone, I set out to over-scent-sitize my nose. I don't know about you, but I typically hold my breath when passing a Bath & Body Works in the mall, even an outdoor mall. I don't like my nose to be overwhelmed or "blown." I don't like when girls, let alone guys bathe in their scent of choice and trap themselves in elevators or bathrooms with me. I certainly don't want to be that guy! I want someone to be fairly close to even discern that I smell good, then I want to smell good...not like onions.

So, my list was in order of preference. I figured I would get two, maybe three sniffs in before I would be unable to tell the difference.

My first stop was at Kohls, since I needed socks anyway and I figured if I could break up my sniffing over several stops, I might get a few more.

What I discovered is that Kohls is the place to get cologne if your taste runs higher than Brut, but lower than anything newer. Usher, Sean John, even Tim McGraw have cologne out. I'm sure Bieber probably does too, but likely it smells like teen spirit, and not in a good way. McGraw intrigued me, but only because I thought just maybe he wears it around Faith Hill...can't be all bad, right?

I didn't really smell any of them, mainly because they weren't on my list. I was surprise to see a test bottle of Grey Flannel and made a mental note to tell my friend.

The next stop and place of certain and guaranteed de-scent-sitizing of my olfactories was Macy's. I was told this was home for 3 of the top 4 on the list.

Nothing could prepare me for the onslaught as I made my way toward the parfumerie that is what appears to be about 2 city blocks of Macy's. Women came from all over as I entered the area. Was I making a perfume purchase? Did I want to smell the newest women's scents?

"No," I replied, "I am just looking." (Word apparently does NOT travel about browsers as I had to repeat that line about a dozen times.)

Once I had reached what I was hoping was the sanctity of the men's section, I began my search. I was once again accosted by more sales women.

Finally, I relented and told one, "I need a new smell."

Thus began the endless questions, unanswerable questions. These were not "do you drive a stick or an automatic?" type questions. These were more the "is your favorite color mauve or taupe?" type questions.

I recall one question had two choices and one of them was "clean" so I went with that one, because nobody wants to purposely smell unclean, right?

It is at this point that I SHOULD HAVE stuck to the list. But my list was devoid of brand names, it was simply : 1. Aqua, 2. 32, 3. Original, and 4. Absolute.

Do you KNOW how many colognes are "Aqua?" Let's leave it at a lot!

Anyway, I didn't stick to the list and perfume lady brought over an impressive wad of cards all shaped like little eggs. She started spraying cologne on cards and waving them (like she just don't care.) True to form, after the third sniff, my nose began to bail.

So, who knew that coffee beans are a reset switch? Me neither.

After smelling probably a dozen scents and coffee beans after every 2, I was tired and definitely needed a Starbucks and I don't even drink that. The number of women I see going into Starbucks might have been a clue that I should just put coffee beans in my pocket, but I'm dense.

So I texted my friend and after a few terse messages, the phone rang. She was disappointed that I had not simply asked for what I wanted. Disappointed is probably understating it. What she wanted to do to her phone was scarier than the scary perfume lady, so I finally asked....right as I found one of the scents.

Yup, more cards ensued. Sadly for my friend, I didn't like her first 4 choices. She doesn't actually live near me, so I could have lied to her...but that ain't me. She did have an alternate suggestion of Dolce and Gabbana's Light Blue, so yet another card was sacrificed.

Not...

Bad...

So, then my friendly perfume lady suggested I spray it on my skin because...wait for it...

"Your Ph and body chemistry interacts with the cologne and can change its fragrance.!"

Oh, my sweet Aunt Lulu! I gotta wear this...and for how long?

So I allowed myself to be spritzed with that and another I'd liked from very early on. Then I excused myself to someplace with less bad smells, like the men's room.

After 10 minutes or so of interacting, I realized that the Light Blue smelled funky...stale...pretty crappy. The other didn't smell much at all.

This is how I escaped Macy's with a single bottle of my new smell...

Acqua...just like my friend gave her ex...yikes!

 

Feels like. Moonshine kinda post...