I'm not proud of it.
This is my letter of confession.
As tragic as this is, it's unlikely that anyone is coming to take me away.
Let me explain.
Ever have one of those weekends when you unknowingly get to throw a party? Guests arrive and start wandering around the place?
There's a sense of entitlement as they drink all your beer, and soda, and Deer Park?
If you had a pool, they'd be in your swimsuit and playing in the water, but since I don't, they just went all naked in the bathtub party time.
Snack food? Forget you ever had any. There isn't a place they won't look to find your secret stash of Twinkies.
And rude? You know the type, they totally drink your beer and then crawl in bed with you as if they just know waking up next to them is going to creep you out.
I had that party on Friday night. It started out small, but one thing leads to another and they're telling friends and soon you're feeling a bit crowded out. I couldn't take it.
Saturday morning came and they're still here partying like its 1999. Thankfully, my daughter spent the night at one of her friends' house and she wasn't subjected to the behavior freak show. My sons were both home and fortunately slept through the whole thing.
Mrs. Mynd was completely perturbed by the whole thing and was complicit in the murders.
It is very difficult to admit all of this, but I needed my faithful readers to know that I love them and will continue writing through the pain of this experience.
I snapped. I should be making my escape in a white bronco, but mama raised me to admit to my transgressions and be a man.
I totally killed them. I killed them so hard and fast, their mama is gonna feel it. I poisoned their Kool Aid and they drank willingly.
I just hope that my confession will make me somehow less of a monster.
I took a photo, but it may be far too gruesome for many of you, so I am giving you a moment to think before scrolling down...
I warned you, you sick bastards!
I was thinking, "Holy shit! He and I had the SAME weekend!" Except I didn't kill my guests, as they were actual relatives. More annoying than bugs sometimes though. Especially when they find my dark chocolate stash. And push past the "guest vodka" to the Gray Goose.
ReplyDeleteNobody messes with my dark chocolate!
ReplyDeleteNobody!
Oh man, have you tried the Acai Blueberrys with dark chocolate?
ReplyDeleteYou are still king of your own castle and killed those nasty intruders who dared to party on your sacred ground. Hail to the king!!!!
ReplyDeleteLord of the Manor (or is that manure?)
ReplyDeleteOh no you didn't! That some sharp wit you're working!
ReplyDeleteWould you kindly come on over and kill mine? Seriously! We've had pharoah ants since day 1 of moving into this apartment. Will never ever get rid of them, or the carpet beetles because the prop mgmt company would never do the whole building all at once to deal with it properly. Cant' control what my neighbors do, or do not. So we've had to bag and tupperware everything that isn't in the fridge for 6 long years >.<
ReplyDeleteBut there is hope on the horizon! We are finally able to get the hell out of here and find another place. By June 1st... bleh it's gonna be a long and painful month. It's only hubby and I doing the moving and I am fairly useless not even able to stand for 10 mins. Will do my best though.
May all our unwanted, unwelcomed house guest perish in the most horrific ways. May their bottoms fester with 1000 boils! Even though ants and beetles probably don't get boils, it's my favorite "curse" coz it sounds just so painfully horrific and awful! lol
Should I let God sort them out?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the move, you should plan to have to kill something in the new place, make it a party.
ReplyDeleteYes, and unapologetic...
ReplyDeleteI already guessed that the visitors were ants.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I couldn't carry out a real homicide?
ReplyDeleteNot a real homicide well do you think the ants relo's feel the same way, I am sure they think you commited are real murder...............lol
ReplyDeleteWell, considering that they probably don't let you blog from the electric chair, I guessed as well that it was some sort of annoying pest with 6 legs.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally I too have a problem with guests eating all my food, drinking all my soda and doing as they please, but they're not insects - they're my parents.
Yeah, don't poison their Kool aid, I hear that Rob is totally the guy who doesn't get to pick a team in Prison.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, they follow along behind...
ReplyDeleteThat is pretty shocking to me. I haven't killed anything in ages. When I see an ant, I usually place crumbs on a piece of paper, wait for it to take the bait, and gently deposit outside. I may need a tissue.
ReplyDeleteThen you can think of this as me feeding them a mild sedative as a means to relax them and make them want to go home and go to bed...
ReplyDelete