So Long (and Thanks for All the Fish)

Ultimate Blog Challenge, you've come into my life, challenged me, and sucked the marrow of my imagination almost dry.

You've kept me up nights and awakened me early the next day.

You've introduced me to writers block and to other writers similarly fixed on a goal that seemed daunting.

You were the 10K that I felt I was prepared to run, only to realize that a pre-race six pack was not true "preparation."

I didn't realize how hard 31 posts in 31 days would be. I didn't realize how hard it would be to stay cerebrally weird and insightful for 31 straight days. I can only hope that I made my mark for half of those.

So, at the end of this challenge, would I recommend it? 

Absolutely! Over the course of this month, I have discovered that I am up to the challenge, even managing a post while sick in bed. I got some interesting topics emailed to me that will form a basis for similar ideas in the future. I made lots of new friends and some of them were even talented writers, lol. My readership increased over the course of the challenge and I'm sure that many of my new readers will continue to read and share my words.

 Signed, the Dolphins 

(not the one that make you cry in the Hootie song)

((well, I guess they could be the ones))

Time is Money (For Everyone)

Appointment Times are Suggested


I don't like going to the doctor. It's not a male ego thing, I just don't usually get sick enough that I think I need to go. By the time I get around to calling, I'm normally on the road to recovery.

Appointments make me crazy. I understand that the doctor can't guarantee they will be finished with a patient in X minutes. I also understand that I want the service if I am there. Don't think I'm foolish enough to know that you couldn't make a higher average AND a profit. But, I do need to be there and you'd rather be golfing or saving for your entire summer vacation in the Hamptons.

Normally this wouldn't bother me so much, but understand that my time is ALSO valuable and sitting in your waiting room is not my idea of a good time or good time management. Meanwhile your staff is giving me the evil eye for whatever electronic device I have chosen to bring with me, you know the one where their eyes dart from me to my electronic device to the rack containing the three year old copies of People magazine. I am so certain that in today's age, my cell phone is going to scramble all your machines and bring your practice to a halt. Please people, you're in a large building and those cell signals aren't avoiding your office.

And to top all of this off, my mere act of making a phone call to your office has begun a process whereby my insurance is charged, you've written my name IN PEN in a book, and the doctor has already begun reviewing my chart to refresh his/her memory of my ailments.  Heaven forbid I cancel my appointment within 23 hours and 59 minutes of its expected beginning... I know you're going to charge me. In what other industry would that fly? The car mechanic might get pissy, but he isn't going to charge me if I don't show up with my car. Now I can also drop my car off and get on with my day, a bit impossible to drop off my body at the bones.

Appointment Times are Too Long

We'd love to come out to your house and fix your cable, can you be home on Tuesday? All Tuesday? What?
Seems like everyone that wants to come out to my house for my convenience doesn't understand the concept. Saying you'll be there sometime between 8 and 5 is like me saying i'll file my taxes this year. I like my cable and all, but I'm not taking a day off of work and chaining myself to the house to make your life easier.

I donated an old refrigerator last year and after scheduling the appointment, realized I had to change it to a later date. I called back and rescheduled the pickup. When the first date arrived, I received a nasty call from the company because I wasn't available. Seriously? You need to call I-NCO-MPE-TENT for my answer.

That's on the ID10T backbone of numbers.

I Need a Personal Assistant (not named Siri)

I need someone I can pay to be at my house for cable installation and repair, for furnace maintenance, heck let the dogs out while you're there. 

Additionally, can you go to my doctor's appointments and fill out all the forms, the ones where they just want to collect the same information that they already have on file.  It would be great if you could wear the gown and get the prostate exam for me as well, but I understand you have limits, so don't wear the gown.

They need an app for my phone that keeps me up to date with the current wait for an appointment, like apps that keep track of your flights and any delays. If the doctor is running late due to someone having a heart attack or the kid who hides under the exam table because they don't want a shot, I can know I don't need to leave work right away.

Am I the only one?

Please Return to Your Box

"She's got a great personality."

"I like you as a friend."

"It's not you, it's me."

"God bless his soul."

Have you heard one of these statements? Have you made one of these statements?

Why don't or can't we say what we really mean? We employ these filters when we speak with the intention to spare other people's feelings. In reality, the filters leave us looking hollow or shallow because they become repeatable trite answers that don't fool anyone.

The loose translations are as follows:

"She's got a great personality." = She is ugly or in some way less than desirable physically.

Angelina Jolie likely has a lousy personality, but only Brad has hung around long enough to know. Same thing for Jennifer Aniston... Poor Brad!

(Movie to watch = Shallow Hal)



"I like you as a friend" = He is the last person on earth that she would date.

The "friend zone" is nowhere close to the "end zone." I've seen this one up close and personal, folks. Fortunately, they weren't as hot as Amy Smart, God bless their hearts.

(Movie to watch = Just Friends)


"It's not you, it's me" = Oh, it's so totally you!

As witnessed by George Costanza in Seinfeld, this is hardly a victimless statement.


"God bless his soul" = He is so screwed up that his mom doesn't even love him.

This is a mainly southern expression that seems to allow one to say just about anything to or about another person, such as:

 - She has visited one too many all you can eat buffets, God bless her soul.
 - He is not the sharpest knife in the cutting block, God bless his soul.
 - He just can't sing at all, God bless his soul.
 - She thinks that new makeup makes her beautiful, God bless her soul.

Whatever you do, don't mistakenly use "God rest her soul" for "God bless her soul" because like Joe Biden realized, it can be the wrong usage and yet still very funny.  No, we're laughing AT you Joe, not with you...




So, have you used these filters? Have you used worse? Let's hear 'em!

Half-Vast Ideas 2: Electric Boogaloo

Electric say what?

Back in the day, and I mean spinning on our backs in the day, the hip 80s crowd couldn't wait for the smash follow-up to the movie Breakin'.

Its title was to be Breakin' 2 : Electric Boogaloo.

So bad was this movie, I mean it makes Gigli and (since it has been previously commented) Norbet look like Oscar Winners. So bad that it will forever lend its subtitle to all subsequent sequels.  They must EARN their way out of Electric Boogaloo.

Now I hardly expect that my second random post could ever exceed the epicness that was the original Half-Vast Ideas post.


Donate Your Car to the Blind, What?!

So I'm listening to the radio, normally my ADHD kicks in at about the same time as the first commercial after a 2 song mega-block of music has concluded. I will begin pushing the buttons quickly to see if a stray beat will escape in the midst of said hectic pandemonial button pressing.  For some reason, perhaps raging ADHD caused me to stay on a channel too long, and what I heard was unbelievable. 

"Donate your old car to the blind, today!  Get a tax incentive." 

Wait, what?!? Clunkers for blind people? Is this so that as they learn to drive, they can total an old clunker instead of their first new car? Clearly, they need to use the drive-up ATM. Because the blind are notoriously bad getaway drivers when you want to knock over a bank.

I'm just thrilled that they didn't spell cars wrong like the oh so annoying K-A-R-S for Kids advertisement.  It's like a bad Telly Tubbys show gone awry, there's singing and bad spelling, but in the end it is all for love of children.

So, before you get this wrong impression of me, my brother-in-law is blind.  His vision was lost due to excess scar tissue forming after his retinas detached dues to his lifelong diabetes. Anyway, he's the most chillaxed blind dude ever and his twisted sense of humor about it is great.  He is often heard poking a bit of fun with an occasional "I didn't see them (him, her, it) " when someone is looking for keys for instance.  

Anyway, he moved from Colorado to be nearer to his sisters and dad after his vision was gone.  After he had been here a while, it was decided that we needed to go across country to get his stuff.  So we loaded up the van, hitched  the trailer and headed from the east coast to the Rocky Mountains. It was my dad, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law and myself.  The plan was to drive straight through switching drivers every few hours. (it was a bad plan)

Well into the second night, I was driving and the dads were holding the snores to a minimum while my bro "co-piloted" and kept me alert.  Somewhere in Kansas we decided to be cute and I stopped for a bio-break.  I threw on my sunglasses (it was night) and grabbed his cane and stepped from the drivers door to head into the store.  I did my best to keep the act up and upon stepping inside I asked where the maps were... (yeah it was THAT epic) to which the guy behind the counter said "over there" as he pointed to ... Well does it matter where he pointed??? My elaborate scheme went up in smoke in a matter of his few IQ points.

We did decide that my B-I-L probably could have driven across Western Kansas and Eastern Colorado.

Friday Eve and Other Weekend Extenders

After reading a 63 hour blog on ThisIsNotThatBlog about how weekends are too short, I decided to add a new item to your lexicon.  Now I have to give the C in a circle up to my boss (John) for this one, but it was too good not to spread, so look for a T-Shirt in my Zazzle Store soon.

The new name for Thursday is... Friday Eve! 

Think about it, how much work gets done on Christmas Eve or New Years Eve?  Yeah, because you're staring ahead at a holiday, you're laid back. So, similarly, by calling Thursday by the name "Friday Eve" we are similarly welcoming the weekend a whole day earlier. The fact that it comes no earlier is immaterial to the discussion as the state of mind created is the most important thing.

Friday Eve... commit it to memory.

Tilde Morrow

I've done punctuated so many blogs that I'm dangerously close to getting an A- for over punctuation, nay gratuitous punctuation.  That won't stop me from talking untilde blue in the face. 

Yes, I'm talking about the tilde ~ or the thing that allow the wicked smiley face.  Sure, many people go all :P or :p to show off the tongue, but really that's a :| with an attitude...nothing flirtatious going on, it's more like sour raspberries than anything else.  

Now the tilde on the other hand is the Gene Simmons of punctuation tongue. :)~ is flirty and dirty. I'm smiling AND giving you a little tongue.

So what the heck is the tilde all about anyway?

The tilde ( /ˈtɪldə/,  /ˈtɪldi/; ˜ or ~ ) is a grapheme with several uses. The name of the character comes from Portuguese and Spanish, from the Latin titulus meaning "title" or "superscription", though the term "tilde" has evolved and now has a different meaning in linguistics

This symbol (in English) sometimes means "approximately", such as "~30 minutes ago" meaning "approximately 30 minutes ago".^[2] It can mean "similar to",^[3] including "of the same order of magnitude as",^[4] such as "x ~ y" meaning that x and y are of the same order of magnitude. Another approximation symbol is ≈, meaning "approximately equal to."^[5][6][3][2]

So in a nutshell, the tilde is an approximation of the tongue in a smiley face.

Pro Bowl before Super Bowl

I know that this is like talking about Politics or Religion at the dinner table or the water cooler, so I am treading very lightly into this delicate subject. I feel that I have an important voice on this issue and I can stay silent no longer.

Long tradition has been that the Pro Bowl was played the week after the Super Bowl in Hawaii, but the evil (really bad, think rhymes with devil) Commissioner Roger Goodell in his attempts to ruin the game through "fairness" and "non malevolent" play has added one more thing to his insidious attack on the Nations pastime. (Oh, please, baseball? Really?) His "brilliant" move was to place the Pro Bowl between the league divisional championships and the Super Bowl in what was once a 2 week preparation time.

I know you're asking, how can the players get enough rest following the divisional championship and the Super Bowl, if they have to play a game in the middle.  Well, don't worry, because the players that are going to appear in the Super Bowl are disqualified from playing in the Pro Bowl.

WHAT!?! How can it be considered a game featuring the best players at their respective positions, if the players from the two best teams are banned from playing? It can't!

The uncomfortable reality is that this is a popularity contest anyway.  I would suspect that Peyton Manning who did not play a down of football this year probably received more votes than Blane Gabbert who was the rookie quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars who played a lot more downs than zero.

This was a move to capture ratings and eliminate the week between those two important weekends having no football. I say let's play a true BCS championship game that weekend and move the Pro Bowl back to its rightful place the weekend after the Super Bowl.  Reward the players and allow the Super Bowl team players the chance to be honored by their selection to the squad.

But what do I know, I'm still for allowing tackling.

The Eight Scariest Words

"I might just have to blog about this!"

Becoming an influential media figure as I am has allowed to me push my weight around just a bit. Of course, who am I kidding, I'm the 80lb blog weakling who gets sand kicked in his face at the beach. But in one way, people know I am serious in my humorous use of the English language.

I recently had a conversation with a friend where she was asking my opinion about a rather extensive topic. As I began the discussion of the issue and lead off by saying that the topic was not covered easily or completely by this blog writer, her immediate reaction was, "I don't want to end up in your blog!"

Now, I have deliberately been vague about the topic and the person as I don't want to have any finger pointing amongst my 7 readers as to which of them this was and having already referred to her as "she" so that cuts it down even more significantly. I'll just say that this likely didn't happen with a regular reader.

The feeling was a bit thrilling to know that I had generated some fear of my mighty pen computer iPad writing. Whether that fear was well-placed is as yet to be determined.

Until next we meet, my friends...

...where you may hear me discussing Toll House Cookies...

Shaken Not Stirred

It seems so easy...  

You throw it out there, make a connection, a little squeeze, a little up and down action...

Dogs do it.

That's right, I'm talking about shaking hands.  It's too easy, right?

A good handshake is harder than it seems.

I know a guy, we'll call him Bear, who seriously shakes hands.  I mean he takes it very seriously. I've had to re-shake because we've done it in a way that isn't up to his high standards.

You see most people extend their arm prior to the handshake, which I am sure is the "spirit" of the handshake. I won't debate or bore you with the origins of the handshake, but stories say that it was a method to show that you weren't holding a weapon.

By extending your arm, and I've seen people even lean forward a bit, you lose the ability to "attack" the handshake. You leave yourself open to the whims of the person you will shake with. They could take any number of lesser handshake styles leaving you with no choice but to accept it:

1. The Finger Squeezer - No intention to shake your hand, this handshake grabs your fingers and can be painful if a forceful squeeze is employed. 

2. Limping Along - this is almost opposite of the first one.  In this variation, the other person gives only his/her fingers with a slightly bent wrist.

3. Hand Slap - no shake at all, but a side five. Not horrible, but no connection.

Now, the Bear method involves a method I like to call "Cocked and Locked." When Bear is planning to shake your hand, there is "the look". Eyes are slightly wider, there is a definite smile (mainly because he knows what's coming.)

The approach is measured, he's a tall dude and could make up the distance between you and he so quickly that it it could be a hug instead of a handshake, and he'd be ok with that too!

The best part of the whole deal is the body position; left arm out a bit to the side with a "you could shake or you could hug, but this wingspan only gets bigger and you won't escape" vibe. Almost like a gun fighter, the right arm is high and tight to his body, hand already in pre-shake position with nothing all flim-flam... coiled... ready to strike out and attack the shake.

As the distance closes, you ready for the shake.

 

Then it begins, the right arm shoots out... web attacking web...it's like a hand slap in its suddenness, yet it holds. It is a healthy grip...no pumping...no wild shaking. It is solid and strong, yet because the grip is deep, like a baseball into the web of a glove, there is no pain.

Few words describe the sensation, the one I would use is "genuine."

Do you have a good handshake or could it use some work?

Keeping All My Parts

As I read Facebook updates about my friends and their various ailments, I'm noticing a trend of people giving up body parts.

Gall Bladder seems to be trending up as I know 4-5 people who've lost that organ. Was it jealous of the Appendix for its ability to get free and clear of the pesky humans? For those less in the know than I, the Gall Bladder helps break down fats in the digestive process. Basically, if you eat a fatty hamburger, you'd be a mess with no gall bladder. Literally. 

 

So why are more and more people living without it. I guess we're just eating too much red meat? I like my red meat, but I'd rather live with a little less of it than live without an organ.

 

 

 

The Appendix is apparently so useless that people aren't even losing it anymore. I remember when an attack of acute appendicitis could put you in the hospital.  There wasn't anything cute about it.

Kidneys are not as frequently lost as donated, kinda like blood, only you can't drink alcohol after. Platelets donations are also high, which seems like a weird thing to me. Basically they take your blood, put it in a tilt-a-whirl, then they put most of your blood back in, I just can't figure out if they take the kids who're pukin' and walking' around lookin' drunk to give to somebody else or if those are the ones I get back?  I've heard that bone marrow donation is a super cool experience, but I watched Seven Pounds and it looked as fun as swimming with the man-o-war.

Having had a pause in the last 365 days (that was nothing serious) amongst the twins, I was almost the Jon Kruk of my family. Jon Kruk, catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies who lost a testicle to cancer reportedly showed up for camp after he regained his strength.  His teammates treated him a bit differently than prior to his surgery. Kruk reportedly told them that "if you don't stop treating me this way, I'm taking my ball and going home!"

 

 

 

With tonsils and adenoids and teeth, kids typically lose more than a few things out of their bodies.

 

As we age, the systems become a bit more fallible and many elderly retiree types lose hips and shoulders.

As for me, I'm keeping as much as I can... College tuition is coming up and I plan to sell a kidney rather than lose an arm, a leg, or the skin off my back.

The universe has a few of my wisdom teeth. Clearly, I have no need for them! I even have my own toxic Tonsils and Adenoids since my parents didn't love me enough to give me a reason to eat ice cream.

The universe has a few tiny pieces of vas deferens. Really I did it just to keep from losing more of my parts.

The universe has far too many of my follicles. Far more of them have migrated south for the winter, summer, pretty much year round. It's like my head is covered in Teflon.  Actually, I haven't lost as much as some, but I cut it short because skin yarmulkas are cool!

I clip my nails religiously, which is not to say that I pray that the Lord will take my non-blood offering... Just that I can't stand hangnails of any kind.

I plan on keeping every organ I can up until the day I die...the Gall! (come on, I had to, can't you see how much restraint I showed up until now?)

And for those of you who took me too seriously in my joking, the tables are turned and the following links are here to help you donate or be tested to donate various stuff...

Hair - http://www.locksoflove.org/donate.html

Blood - http://www.redcross.org/donate/give/

Platelets - http://www.redcrossblood.org/donating-blood/types-donations/platelet-donation

Bone Marrow - http://marrow.org/Home.aspx

Kidney - http://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/index.cfm

The 4, 5, 6? Days of Birthday

You've heard of the 12 days of Christmas?
How about the eight nights of Hanukkah?



I'm living the 5 days of Birthday with a possibility of more...




1. So my birthday was on Friday and though in the past, I have taken off the day from work. Recently, I've not done that and last Friday was no different. After toiling through the morning work, I was taken for a meeting to a nearby restaurant where I had a nice lunch. A bit later that day, I had a nice cake with the peeps in the shop. All in all a fairly nice day...until near the end of the day when the revelation that I could have taken a paid half day off. In fairness, I should have known the information, but I was assured that I could take the half at a later time.  
Due to my illness a few days earlier, we decided to postpone a possible dinner that evening. Pretty Good Day!

2. Saturday arrived and my "official" family birthday began. We began with some general errands followed by a trip to the used book store where we quietly killed an hour or two perusing stacks of books. I stumbled upon this book and was later officially weirded out by someone with my same name.

Decisions about ink were made and art was apparently begun, I decided to go with the soccer ball and I will be sure to post more when it is completed. Ink will be my gift from Mrs. Mynd and the kids.

We had an early dinner at Olive Garden and I had then swap out the Creamy Alfredo for the Spaghetti with Meat Sauce on the Tour of Italy.  So big bowl of salad followed by aforementioned Spaghetti with Chicken Parmigiana and Lasagna.  I ate a slice of Bruschetta or two as well.  Since it was my birthday celebration my kids had to make the waitress sing to me and we ordered 3 of the little mini dessert cups.. Might as well have been a dinner mint, which they also served with the check. Suffice it to say waddling was a theme for that afternoon. Our later afternoon and evening consisted of some redbox action with Mr. Poppers Penguins on tap with the kids followed by Moneyball with Mrs. Mynd.  This is a family friendly blog, so I will stop the discussion of Saturday here.

3. Sunday was birthday with my folks and sister and I made cheese fondue. It's a bit of a tradition for me. In our family, the birthday person gets to pick the meal. Normally they don't make their own meal.  In this case, I get a big charge out of making the fondue so I do... It is my birthday after all. Who can argue? As a bonus, it wasn't my knuckles being grated as my wife and kids took care of the cheese (yes, many fine jokes about "cutting the cheese" we're made.)

Some yellow cake with fudge icing was decorated with a tea light candle or two because the birthday candles had gone AWOL. (absent with out lighting) and we called it a birthday.  Oh and I got some more money to put towards a gift or two that were unobtainable at the time of shopping.

So we top that off with some ugly singing and dancing to the playstation. I rocked a little Supremes "Baby Love."

4. Monday was "real" cake day at the office.  One of my co-workers is a top notch baker who makes cakes for those that she truly loves... Read those who have helped her in big ways...like me! Here is my Oreo cookie cake that was horrifically good and as Mrs Mynd says, it is a good liar about how little of it will go to our hips, thighs, etc. 

5. Tuesday was my claimed half day, so while the rest of the crew fought some fairly fun situations, I ran away for a half day date with my wife (that IS Mrs. Mynd for my slower friends) Among our chores, we were looking for a new phone for her and a gift or two for me.

Success was spelled F-I-R-E! I had been wanting a Chimnea for a few years and I finally got one.  Now I'm euro-trash, which is to say, fancy redneck.

We lit up the box when we got home later. I can't wait to get some wood to stoke a good fire. I don't think that I'll convince Mrs. Mynd to give up the comfort of heat inside the house to join me outside in the dead of winter, but perhaps if the temperature stays warmer she will join me.

Now y'all know my ADHD problems and love of all that is squirrel. So we're in Michaels getting some decorative stuff that Mrs. Mynd will turn into some sort of living room something, when I am sent on an in store hunt for some decorative item or other.  I turned a corner and spotted this fancy fellow hanging off a flower pot... He will look fantastic hanging off my monitor at work.

Oh, yes we got a phone and we ate too much Outback.  My dining gift cards are gone now... Too bad.









This post should have been made Tuesday, but since I was hoping for more gifts and extravagant eating, I have held this for Wednesday.

If I play my cards right, I can work this through Father's Day.  Is that greedy?

Mr. Roarke or Khan

Ah kids! Their scope is so limited when they are young.  They remember things they see only in the context in which they see them.  For instance, Eddie Murphy is the voice of Donkey in the Shrek movies and my kids know the voice.  They have also seen the decidedly not British Dr. Doolittle character that he revived for a new generation. 

 

Me, I will always think fondly of the myriad of characters he brought to life in Coming to America from the Prince to the barber, to Sexual Chocolate's lead singer. I try hard to forget his role as a vampire, as I am sure he does.

 

All that is so far from his roles as Gumby, Buckwheat, and Mr. Robinson (who had a neighborhood) on Saturday Night Live. 

Though later in his career if but slightly, who can forget the leather jumpsuits from the Delirious and Raw albums. I wonder if tries to forget them too?

 

I often wonder how people will remember me? My mom told me just a day or so ago that she finds it amazing that I love to write, since my grade school, middle school and high school days were filled with less than stellar writing. Am I that young man who had no voice or the Master Mynd who writes for fun and manages to drag a handful of people along with him?

When I was younger and ads featuring the voice and occasionally the likeness of Ricardo Montalban would come on ("rich Corinthian leather" yeah it was all biblical like that, cause "rich Thessalonian leather" just doesn't have that umph.) Anyway, there were people who grew up in my generation who would say "look it's Mr. Roarke" and inevitably one or two kids would assert "look it's The Wrath of Kahn!" (Wrath O. Kahn would just be wicked cool on a business card (Note: his name was actually Khan Noonien Singh))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How will I be judged? Guy who tried hard to blow 12th grade and high school in general? Or guy who got 4.0 throughout college?

There was the guy who was so insecure in a first relationship that it clouded everything about that relationship.  How about guy who was super confident in the next relationship and that clouded the whole relationship? Will it just be guy married for 19 years?

I hope I can be viewed on my "life's work." Give me my immaturity like early Eddie with a healthy dose of family man like Dr. Doolittle.  Give me some raging impetuousness like Khan while later the dapper Mr. Roarke who is a bit controlling, but tries to make peoples' dreams come true.

Minus the red leather jumpsuit, of course...

I Don't Use Primer...

Conversation today in the bathroom:

Mrs. Mynd: I want to check Bare Escentuals website this weekend, there's supposed to be a sale.

Me: I thought you got your stuff on QVC?

Mrs: Normally I do, because they sell sets of stuff and you can get good deals, but the sale may be better.

Me: Ok. I'm looking at the site now, what am I looking for?

Mrs: I need foundation.

Me: I see foundation and foundation primer packaged together.

Mrs: I don't use primer.

It's clear there is a lot I don't know about women and I'm more honest about it every day.  I had no idea that there was primer for women?  I don't admit to being a "car guy" but am aware of the "color" primer because I used to think it looked really nice and there was never an issue with keeping a car shiny.  The purpose of "primer" is to prepare the metal for the paint that is going to be applied.  I guess it keeps it from falling off the car, but for the life of me I have no idea what keeps the primer on the car. Is it like duct tape that is doubled up? Perhaps it is more like double-sided sandpaper? Cat with buttered toast on its back?

I would never insert horrible male comments about makeup being painted on, nor would I discuss it like it was some candy coating that had to dry and be buffed to a high shine.  Almost certainly I wouldn't talk about the solvents required to remove said paint...but it is taking everything I have not to run far far away with "primer."

I want to believe I am doing fairly well raising my boys to understand a little more about women.  A conversation replayed to me by Mrs. Mynd that she had with Shaggy...

Shaggy: with your makeup, you can't see any of your wrinkles.

Mrs: ::glare::

Shaggy: I mean, I see why you wear it.  It's magic...you look much younger, like 30.

Mrs: you can go now.

Clearly, I have work to do.

 

All references to Bare Escentuals are my opinions, which could change if they call me and want an official review, and to pay me of course.

(Chinese) New Year's Resolutions

I said I would do it... 

So here they are in all their spellbinding glory, the official WilyGuy, It's MY Mind, Chinese New Year Resolutions! (it's great to not be Asian, but play one on the Internet, y'all!)

Blogging Related: 

• I'd like to get one new Facebook or Google follower per month and resolve to be funnier or at least more "socially acceptable."

• I need a wicked cool banner for my page, branding is the key to life and untold riches (No! I don't know how much that is, it is "untold". Duh) I therefor resolve to make or hire out the banner creation.  Something like tellingdad.com or momslittlemonsterblake.com or perhaps bloggess.com would work nicely.  That leads to the untold riches, yes?  At least to a site on Zazzle or CafePress where my readers can buy T-Shirts and Travel Mugs with my logo on it...

Life Related:

• I'm going to be all lame and say I want to get in shape... well, if my cards have been played right, I should soon be in possession of the Jawbone Up provided that they work out the glitches, which tells my iPhone how much exercise I am not getting as well as how much sleep I am not getting.  This should make it more motivational to do both better.  My understanding is that sleep is achieved through exercise, but not right before bed... uh-oh. Now, the key is to not strive for too much.  I will bike...some.  I will pull on the stretchy things (oh, please! Get out of the gutter!) some.

• I have strived to read the entire bible in a year, but I get bogged down in Leviticus or Numbers each time.  So, I resolve to read JUST Leviticus and Numbers this year... ok that makes it sound like I can't hang with the Pastor Sunday mornings else I might be forced to read other verses... that is how our pastor rolls after all.  But, in reality, I have decided to not be facing the failure of not reading the whole thing because I can't get past those two chapters filled with all their "begats" and "cubits."  If nothing else, I limit my failure to a smaller one.  But I shall not fail, I do have more than a year to get it done. (unless the world ends in December like all my living Mayan friends have told me it will).
• Savings...I'm continuing in my plan to shed some debt that is at some artificially ridiculous interest rate instead of trying to dump money into a decidedly smaller savings account. The goal is to pay off my car this year, freeing money for the inevitable car repairs associated with a recently paid off vehicle.

Work Related:

• Here's to finishing a project. This is the big one and we're finishing by April with a big phase.

Autocorrect This!

Y'all, I finally figured out how to use the force, the dark side even!

For a while, I've been commenting on blogs and following sound advice that says, be consistent and include a link to your own blog within the comment. Now, this isn't necessarily hard to do.  Following a simple pattern of adding a touch of HTML gets this done (because HTML is a bit whacky jacky to try to represent in the actual post, replace the { with less than symbol and the } with greater than symbol.

 

{a href="http://yoursitename.com"}http://yoursitename.com{/a}

I could stop there and many of you will have walked away with a valuable tip as well as the know how to make it work. 

But wait, THERE'S MORE! Call today and we'll double your URL... 

Seriously though folks, the better your comments are (in blogs typically like your own) the more traffic you can generate by adding a link.  Now some sites have comment luv or similar services that automatically search for your last post and add it to your comment.  But many sites don't have that feature.

I told you there would be more, so here it is.

l figured out how to use autocorrect on the iOS to my advantage. Try typing "href" a few times into your iPad or iPhone and you'll see a wide variety of autocorrect suggestions that our head will spin.

 

 

Go to Settings on your iDevice. (I have iOS version 5)

Next, go to General. Then click Keyboard.

Scroll down to shortcuts where you will likely see "omw" which when typed gives you "On my way!"

Click Add New Shortcut and type your long string in as the "phrase." 

Now, the shortcut should be something short, but not something you would normally type. I suggest "mylink" for the shortcut.

 

 

 

Now, when you're commenting you can simply sign your name and then type "mylink" and it will auto-correct that for you to put your link in!

 

 

 

I Didn't Know I Had to Onomatopoeia Before We Left the House

How many of you clicked on this because you had no idea if I had made up the word Onomatopoeia? Sure it sounds like HakunaMata (sp?) but it's a real word! I reminded myself when I was unintentionally alliterate in a previous post and couldn't remember if it was alliteration or onomatopoeia.

And how many of the rest of you clicked because you wanted to see where I was going to go with it...

Zip.
Wiz. 
Zip.

There ya go.

on·o·mat·o·poe·ia

   [on-uh-mat-uh-pee-uh, ‐mah-tuh‐] 

noun

1.

the formation of a word, as cuckoo, meow, honk,  or boom,  by imitation of a sound made by or associated with its referent.

2.

a word so formed.

3.

the use of imitative and naturally suggestive words for rhetorical, dramatic, or poetic effect.

 

So what sound does a fast moving kitten make while passing you in NASCAR laps around the couch....

Mmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooow 

(say it, see what I did there?)

And there you have it.  So tick tock, let's hear your favorites.

When the Dead Sea Had a Pulse...

So, today is my birthday.  Bring on the mockery.  46.

Yes, as part of the modern stone age family, I had a pet dinosaur. (Gino, he was an Italian Pepperonasaraus)

Yes, I was cold before I figured out fire.

Even back then, I thought the Mayans were pretentious to pick an end of the world date.

I don't plan to live forever, I've seen how that worked out for Michael Jackson, so if my math is correct, I'm on the other side of life and it feels exceedingly weird actually writing that. I have begun craving Geritol, but still can't eat brussel sprouts. 

46 is like 19. (only older) It's not that noteworthy. It's not epic. It's no turning point. 
Like then, I'm modifying my license to make myself older, this time for the AARP card and 30% senior discount on coffee at IHop. (Steve Jobs favorite restaurant)

Yesterday, I fell and couldn't get up.  I needed the life alert button but instead I lay there reaching for the phone that was just out of my reach. I knew I should have ordered the Rascal scooter.

Things I remember fondly:

- "A penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss, and a dime if you tell me that you love me." - Penny is the girl on Big Bang Theory and she appears to kiss a lot of people, but otherwise pennies are an annoyance that people are actually throwing in the trash.  You can get anyone's two cents for much less than that and believe me it is often worth less. This is an old saying and I imagine my grandchildren will eventually ask what a penny was.

- my hair - I don't really miss it that much since I shaved it all off.  It takes my barber a long ime to cut that special "skin yamulka" into my hair along with the high widows peak.

- Saturday morning cartoons - oh, sure, they're still on and my kids still watch them, but they aren't the same. For those of us who grew up prior to cable and the cartoon network, where there is always some cartoon on, Saturday morning was the time when the parents slept in and we got to watch some zany kid madness.

- Hip Hop you could understand..nuff said.

- two steps - at least that's hopefully the only steps I've lost.  Being one of the fastest kids on the block and having only lost 4 foot races in my life (Bill S, Mike A, Mike S, Rob F) I would love to have those legs back for a few days and the lungs to make them go a long way.

 

Fortunately...

Age Increases...

Immaturity stays the same.