REDUX #1 : A Man's Guide to Pyromania

(Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like is posting his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. Because I am twisted, over the next 5 days I am going to post the 5 lowest viewed blogs from my 2011 blogs.  (I'm throwing out the YouTubes and the NFL stuff, but all the usual parentheses posts are here.) Chances are there’s at least a few you never saw the first time around.)

Sticks and Stones may break my bones,
But Sticks and Sticks make fire!

What is it with guys and fire? 

Since the dawn of time, or at the least the first cold morning thereafter, men have been lighting fires.  We go through phases in our fire lives.  We go through a minimalist period where the object is to light a fire with the most rudimentary objects like flint and steel, or even two sticks and some friction. This must harken us to our most primal survival instincts, because given the current age we live in, how many of us truly believe we will be caught in the wilderness without a cell phone, an Under Armour garment, and all the other things a modern camper needs.  Given that smoking makes most people a pariah of sorts these days, it isn't a stretch to say that lighters won't be as prevalent as they once were.

Not to be used to light fires,
it should have that disclaimer!

Once we master the basics (or become bored and frustrated trying) we normally move into the "fire water" phase where basic is replaced with chemical augmentation. A man will dance merrily around a fire with a bottle of lighter fluid, squirting said fluid to make the fire dance and reach out to grab the bottle from his hands. Success is measured by the relative short distance of said fire to said bottle without an accompanying "BOOM!" (the more dangerous the situation the better)

Ancient Fire Eater?

A man has not truly mastered fire until he masters it's many elements.  Heat is always an important aspect of fire. We will throw countless objects into a fire, not really thinking about whether the object might be hazardous to burn. Paper leads to cardboard, which leads to food objects like marshmallows.  We'll get bold when we see that some colored paper will actually change the color of the flame and that begins a search for oddly colored objects to burn.  A true revelation of the heat of a fire is the first time an attempt is made to burn a Coke can.  We think it will never burn, but there is a hope that the red will burn off the can and change the color of the fire. We are amazed to watch the can melt in a truly hot fire.

Another aspect of fire that we attempt to master is size.  Thus the advent of the "Bonfire" where we will burn entire trees in a fire, along with lawn chairs, and old furniture.  The aftermath of a good bonfire is defined by number of calls placed by concerned neighbors to the fire department, visits from aforementioned fire departments, size of the crop-circle looking burn mark in the lawn, and of course calls from NASA to indicate that your fire is blinding one of their satellites.

Sure to be on NASA's radar and your neighbors'

REDUX #2 : Why Don't You Like Cash?

(Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like is posting his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. Because I am twisted, over the next 5 days I am going to post the 5 lowest viewed blogs from my 2011 blogs.  (I'm throwing out the YouTubes and the NFL stuff, but all the usual parentheses posts are here.) Chances are there’s at least a few you never saw the first time around.)

Based on the number of people reading this (that's right, I've gone into the future) and the referring links (the places where you clicked my link) I know you people are reading.
Hopefully, I haven't scared you off at this point!
My guess is you're following me privately?
Are you ashamed of me? Are you ashamed of yourself for liking me? Do you not like me? Do you not like cash? More importantly, do you not like me with more cash?

The way this whole blogging thing works is as follows:
1. I start writing because I enjoy it because it relieves the pressure in my head let's go with because I enjoy it.

2. You begin reading me because you pity me because you think I am funny and I discover brand new things for you like strike through insights.
3. You comment on all many some of my posts.
4. You follow me and link to my blog from your blog, share me on Facebook, etc.

5. My readership continues to climb, and as it does, your friends adore you for turning them on to me (wow, that sounded unnecessarily kinky)
6. As my readership soars, commercial type enterprises take notice and want to advertise on my site.
7. In parallel, publishing houses take notice and want to sign me to a book deal.
8. Revenue from well placed, tasteful, relevant and like minded advertisers rolls in.

9. Book deals roll in and as a result, more cash.
10. Did I mention cash?
11. You get the satisfaction of knowing me when and being there at the beginning.
12. With all that cash, I begin to start throwing lavish catered parties and inviting everyone I know.
13. I realize that I know too many people and while having all of you bringing wedding presents at all my children's weddings is great, the cost of feeding you at same is more than I can bear.
14. I begin shedding my lower income friends like fur coats in summer.
15. My wife begins to feel I am superficial and leaves me.
16. I settle with her and start dating super models, who have more headaches than people with brain tumors.





17. I realize that my new friends are all snobs named Muffy and Biff who don't want to read my blog or know what I am thinking. I make
an ass of myself
a few remarks at a high-brow function and I am ostracized.18. I end up like a bad country song with no girl, no house, no truck, only in this song I don't have any redneck friends!!!




OH! I see what you did there. Thanks for looking out for me.

REDUX #3 : I Was Jung Once

(Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like is posting his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. Because I am twisted, over the next 5 days I am going to post the 5 lowest viewed blogs from my 2011 blogs.  (I'm throwing out the YouTubes and the NFL stuff, but all the usual parentheses posts are here.) Chances are there’s at least a few you never saw the first time around.)

Good Evening, the part of the Korean blogger will be played by a slender white dude. I'm the accidental occidental!

Seriously folks, my name causes much consternation for folks.

When I was in high school, I had to live through the embarrassing "bus chase" scene that most of you thought you'd only see in the movies. I attended a private school, so my bus stop was just me. First day of school, bus pulls up, driver opens the door and stares at me for all of 2 seconds, then closes the door and starts to pull away!

Incredulous, I had to run after it, pounding on the windows as I ran all the while the kids inside we're laughing "with me." Fortunately, my torture ended within a block, but the words would haunt me forever... "I'm sorry, I was looking for a Korean boy." I was never right after that, but in fairness I wasn't right before it either.

I can hardly expect everyone to have read any of the SWISS psychiatrist Carl Jung's many books, but this was the 80's! He was featured on a Sting album! (Synchronicity) I suspect the overwhelmingness of one of the most popular Korean names was too much for that poor bus drivin' woman.

Fast forward some 20+ years and I am traveling for work. I've been at the client site for an hour and one of my co-workers from our west coast office is just arriving. I've spoken to him many times and we've worked separately together on more than one contract. Zero face-to-face interaction. So he comes up to us in the hall and is introduced to the client. There isn't any need for my being introduced because we "know" each other. A few hours pass and he catches up with me at lunch. So now he wants to apologize for staring at me this morning, but "I thought you were Korean." Yeah, I thought you were a chick, so call it even.

Believe it or not, I have never met a Korean guy named Jung. Sure I friended a guy with my same name, because I thought it would make me look mysterious, but I never met him and for all I know he isn't Korean either. Maybe he's just trolling for Korean girls?

Senseless tragedy of this whole thing is that other than being able to use Jung like young in many sentences, my name isnt that magical. Sentences such as:
That's me, Jung MC the ninja DJ.
Forever Jung, I want to be forever Jung.
I even had fantasy football teams named The Jung Guns and The Fine Jung Cannibals.

I am constantly asked how I pronounce it. "Should I call you Jung or Young?" to which my typical reply is "I don't care what you call me so long as you call me to dinner." It doesn't take a bad phone line to seriously botch it either. "Was that Jones?" "Was that June?" From as early as I can remember, I've always had a bondesque name reference, J-u-n-g... Jung. Ok perhaps it isn't bondesque, but spelling your name is sexy, except in this and all other cases. The worst was when I started getting the junk mail for Scott Jayuengee. Maybe worse than chasing that bus!

Speaking of the 80's, who remembers Sixteen Candles? Molly Ringwald was cute and actually mattered and Jon Cryer had interesting fashion sense and pined for girls he couldn't have, wait not much changed there. Anyway, how about the "Donger", Long Duc Dong. Now THAT was an Asian name!

Pity my male children who carry forward the Jung MC name.

REDUX #4 : Spam Wars: The Hairline Grows Back

(Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like is posting his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. Because I am twisted, over the next 5 days I am going to post the 5 lowest viewed blogs from my 2011 blogs.  (I'm throwing out the YouTubes and the NFL stuff, but all the usual parentheses posts are here.) Chances are there’s at least a few you never saw the first time around.) 


"Pay Off Your House completely in 5 to 7 Years!"
"Refurbished Laptops for GREAT Deals."
"You've won" < useless or unrealistic opportunity here >
"Brittany takes her top off" (like who hasn't seen that already"

I am amazed at the drivel that (fortunately) bypasses my inbox daily. It is a struggle not to click to get those bigger and at the same time smaller boobs I have always not realized I can't wait to not want... Yeah. My email makes me feel like Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man. I could get new hair, new "junk", a free college education, all by taking my Nigerian Uncle's money.




"This is your final notice." (Who's Who Registry drivel) here's a hint, don't send me 11 final notices in an hour!

I gotta know, am I really an intellectual elitist snob? Does anyone actually fall for this? I grew up in the 'you can't get something for nothing' suburbs of the big city of Kick You in the Pants. I look in the mirror every day and realize... I can't possibly have a Nigerian relative.

So I get an email today saying I got a traffic ticket in New York City from back in July. It looked pretty darn official and for a half a second I was convinced that maybe my Nigerian cousin borrowed my car... Or Bumblebee (my Transformer car) had to go north to fight the Decepticons. But wait, I haven't moved in 4 years. Are you telling me that the NYPD has my email address? I realize that just because it isn't on my Driver's License, my vehicle registration, or my insurance card doesn't mean they couldn't have it, but please!

On a slightly similar, no transmission dropping subject, I saw a bumper sticker that said 'I hate it when I don't forward the chain email and then I die!' I love that and want to get a copy of it. Can someone please forward that to me... Without the obvious 'forward or die' ultimatum, of course. Why do you have to wish such good fortune and at the same time add the pressure of bad luck to emails? It makes me want to not forward them when they have the forward or die ending. Thankfully I am a man in control of his delete button. Want proof? I added the 'forward or die' to this blog post, but then to spare all of you (all 7)... I removed it!

Spam is the Jarjar Binks of the email world. It might even be the Star Wars II of the email world. I know that some of you believe it is the Darth Vader of the email world, but come on you would read it if you could imagine James Earl Jones saying it... Jarjar Binks in the other hand, had no idea how stupid he really was and sadly wanted to be taken seriously. That is almost the definition of Spam.

I would love to say that spam will go away, but some of you people keep on clicking it. If you're going to mindlessly click things, there are I am sure ads on my blog page that will bring me untold riches at a rate of micro pennies on the click, it is doubtless I will be quitting my job soon to blog full time. We all know that isn't a good thing for anyone.

These are not the two boobs you are looking for...

REDUX #5 : Insomnimaniac

(Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like is posting his best blogs from the year during the last days of December. I thought that was brilliant. Because I am twisted, over the next 5 days I am going to post the 5 lowest viewed blogs from my 2011 blogs.  (I'm throwing out the YouTubes and the NFL stuff, but all the usual parentheses posts are here.) Chances are there’s at least a few you never saw the first time around.) Some for the first time WITH pictures!

My best ideas wake me up at night... though it could just be blackened salmon and other dietary oddities.

Blogging seems natural in the mini-wee hours when sleep evades me like the pretty girl at the dance. I hope you have found my sage sleepless advice, err ramblings laugh out loud funny. You will of course share and follow and re-share until my words go viral.

'Viral' is such a funny internutty word that if used in any other context wouldn't sound cool at all, but rather frightening. "yeah, I had Mexican for lunch and was all viral this afternoon." Yeah, creepy not cool.

Like attending to business email while on Percocet following surgery (been there, done that) writing in the middle of the night is a chance and a danger of parts of my inner monologue escaping. Thems the parts that walk around with a shiv and will cut you if you dis their ride, yahmean?

I've even followed my own blog, you know in case my alter ego writes something while I am asleep...more so I can have that odd moment like when the dog farts and wakes himself up with that "who did that?" look. Yeah, someone just went all 'viral.'

I debate following other blogs publicly. I debate privately... well not anymore apparently, whether to publicly announce the 'following.' Again, internuttyness that we've taken another creepy word and made it cool somehow. "I really like that new author, so I chose to stalk him and his writing"...c-reepy!

Do I really want people knowing what other sickos I follow? Do I mind that there may be profanity on my page as an offshoot of this decision? Oh, wait, there could be churchy stuff too which could offend the profane! What's a blogger to do? Blame the iPhone autocorrect of course! Anything that may offend you is merely a result of poor proofreading from changes made by iPhone.

As you've noticed, my inner monologue isn't always linear (technical speak for 'unable to stay on the path') and I will write paragraphs that get unceremoniously cut out or possibly pasted into a new blog draft. This post makes number 4 published works, while I have titles and beginnings for like, 25 more in my drafts. I'm random like a computer (to all my non-technical friends, that simply means that all my randomness has to be pre-programmed to appear random) and my maker intended me that way. Oh snap! There I went and got churchy on you and half of my followers just dropped the connection like a prank caller following the punch line "well you better catch it."

I'm a big fan of The Joy of Painting and some of the tenets of that show will undoubtedly make their way here. One of my favorites is "we don't make mistakes, we have happy accidents." Now my juvenile-minded audience has already been to the Depends place and back by now, but I believe that my white afro-ed Bob Ross was trying to say 'just go with it.' Once the words are out of my mouth, I don't like to edit them too much. They're part of history at that point and the words I choose will often lead me to different places (see non-linear above).

 So get out there and be viral people, except in church.

New Year's Disillusions

It's almost that time of the year... No, not the Yule log and hanging stockings and lights on trees, it's after that.  I'm certainly not talking about drinking too much and pretending like you are ok to drive home... Or am I?

It's the time of the year when people start making New Year's Resolutions.

So what do you think are the most frequent resolutions?  My guess is probably weight loss, but I can guarantee what most people's FIRST resolution of the new year is:

"I'm never drinking that much again!"

Ever...

Seriously...

I'm too old for this...

Really...

Here is a list of some of the loftier goals set by some each year and how long they will last.

• Lose weight - this person will be at the Gym for a month...maybe. Reality is turning a case into a six pack isn't an overnight process unlike drinking a case down to a six pack.
• Get fit - same with this person.
• Stop smoking - sure, the stress of the holidays is over now, until the credit card bills arrive.
• Get a better job, promoted, or get a raise - unfortunately people are often in such a hurry to do this that they end up with a job they dislike equally.
• Drink less - usually followed with a "I've been a Saint, I should reward myself" about a month later.
• Take a trip - hopefully you'll get out beyond your normal borders, I think getting a passport is a lofty new year goal.  Have you seen how long that takes? 
• Learn something new - going back to school is a lofty goal, but expensive and people forget how bad doing papers sucks.
• Read through the bible - How many people think they're going to make it?  This is like a Tom Clancy novel on steroids people.  Leviticus or Numbers usually stops most attempts.
• Save money - did I mention the credit card bills with all the holiday spending?
• Charity and volunteering - likely you'll give some money to the salvation army or maybe work a Saturday in a soup kitchen, which if you did nothing the year before is a 100% improvement, but unlikely to become a habit.
• Watch less TV - seriously? With like 3 quadrillion channels all in High Def and in 3D... It's just unlikely.  What I did was decide to DVR everything, then watch it off there.  Then I control the schedule, the commercials, and can delete if I don't like it and watch something else.
• Read more - awesome, you'll spend more time comparing the Kindle and the Nook to figure out which is better and that alone will take you into the 2nd quarter of the year.
• Stress less - have you seen the holiday bills yet? That big honkin TV isn't paying for itself, though you probably pitched it's energy savings to your other half, didn't you?

Now I'm not saying these are unattainable goals, they all are admirable and attainable.  Our problem is we treat resolution time like a trip to the mall.  We want to fit into all of them and be able to afford them all.  Problem is that we can't.  We treat New Years Resolutions like our bucket list and we are dying in a year.  We've disillusioned ourselves into thinking we can do it all.

How about these "easier resolutions" you'll never see?

• Smoke more cigarettes with you Hi Balls.
• Learn how to avoid sobriety checkpoints
• Strive to be fired, self-employment is the way to go.
• Set a Guinness book of world records for longest time spent sitting on the toilet watching infomercials.
• Put on a few love handles
• Learn how to buy a gym membership and share it with others for a fee.
• Become somebody's baby daddy for the seventh time.
• Enjoy some prison time.
• Friends are expensive, figure out which ones you don't like and cut them loose.  Keep the rich ones of course.
• Start a collection of Gideon Bibles stolen from hotel rooms.

 Why do our resolutions have to look like bucket lists? Why can't we start small? This year obviously is different with a limited window until 12/21/2012 when the world ends. So our list this year SHOULD look like our bucket list.

And why do we have to start at New Years? Isn't it always a good time to get in better shape?  Or do we limit ourselves like resolutions are the open-enrollment of the non-work world.  Oh darn, missed another year to start getting in shape... I don't think so.  I used to laugh when people would start packing into the cheap gym I went to around March of each year.  Same people would be gone by June, and it wasn't because they looked great in a bikini.  I'm not saying you gotta join a gym, I'm saying be serious and see it through.  Don't conquer the world next year, conquer your house or your body.

I'm planning to hold all my resolutions back and do Chinese New Year's Resolutions because I get to wait until January 23rd this time around, which should eliminate all the drunken resolutions that frankly I'm just not going to keep.  As an added bonus, the Chinese year rolls until February 9th of 2013 (provided the crazy Aztecs weren't right of course, or was it the Mayans?) which gives me extra days (like 17 of them!) AND as an added bonus, I will have that other New Year on January 1st of 2013 to remind me to finish all my resolutions! That's 40 days more after the reminder than the rest of you are going to get!  It is great to be Asian!

Oh, and because I love you, it was the Mayans (hopefully you didn't start reading from the end, in which case..the butler did it!)

End of the World Machine?

Oh, and it's soon to be The Year of the Dragon! Enter the Dragon!

Bruce Lee, the Dragon...

A Man's Guide to Pyromania

Sticks and Stones may break my bones,
But Sticks and Sticks make fire!

What is it with guys and fire? 

Since the dawn of time, or at the least the first cold morning thereafter, men have been lighting fires.  We go through phases in our fire lives.  We go through a minimalist period where the object is to light a fire with the most rudimentary objects like flint and steel, or even two sticks and some friction. This must harken us to our most primal survival instincts, because given the current age we live in, how many of us truly believe we will be caught in the wilderness without a cell phone, an Under Armour garment, and all the other things a modern camper needs.  Given that smoking makes most people a pariah of sorts these days, it isn't a stretch to say that lighters won't be as prevalent as they once were.

Not to be used to light fires,
it should have that disclaimer!

Once we master the basics (or become bored and frustrated trying) we normally move into the "fire water" phase where basic is replaced with chemical augmentation. A man will dance merrily around a fire with a bottle of lighter fluid, squirting said fluid to make the fire dance and reach out to grab the bottle from his hands. Success is measured by the relative short distance of said fire to said bottle without an accompanying "BOOM!" (the more dangerous the situation the better)

Ancient Fire Eater?

A man has not truly mastered fire until he masters it's many elements.  Heat is always an important aspect of fire. We will throw countless objects into a fire, not really thinking about whether the object might be hazardous to burn. Paper leads to cardboard, which leads to food objects like marshmallows.  We'll get bold when we see that some colored paper will actually change the color of the flame and that begins a search for oddly colored objects to burn.  A true revelation of the heat of a fire is the first time an attempt is made to burn a Coke can.  We think it will never burn, but there is a hope that the red will burn off the can and change the color of the fire. We are amazed to watch the can melt in a truly hot fire.

Another aspect of fire that we attempt to master is size.  Thus the advent of the "Bonfire" where we will burn entire trees in a fire, along with lawn chairs, and old furniture.  The aftermath of a good bonfire is defined by number of calls placed by concerned neighbors to the fire department, visits from aforementioned fire departments, size of the crop-circle looking burn mark in the lawn, and of course calls from NASA to indicate that your fire is blinding one of their satellites.

Sure to be on NASA's radar and your neighbors'

Please Don't Mess with My Anthem!

I'm a sports fan. There are only a few teams that I follow at a personal level.  By that I mean going to a game. My beloved Pittsburgh Steelers are at the top of my sportastic food chain, but alas living in the town of their arch-rival makes going to a home game difficult.  I am also a fan of the Washington Capitals of the National Hockey League.  If I were to have remained a fan of "America's Pastime," baseball I would continue to be a lunatic Baltimore Orioles fan.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good game of baseball, but I liken our current Major League Baseball league to another of Americas favorites... Professional Wrestling.  Sure, they're both filled with finely tuned athletes, but regardless of that fact, they are both equally fixed. And Juiced.

I digress.

I'm tired of people disrespecting the National Anthem!  The rules are simple:

Stand. Unless you can't.  As in lost your legs jumping on a grenade to save the lives of your friends.

Take off your hat. Unless your hat is a part of your uniform.
Cover your heart with your right hand. Unless you are saluting. See above.
Face the flag. Whether electronic or real, if the anthem is playing, a flag is waving. Don't be poking your friend or calling for the beer man. Even if the idiot running the jumbo-tron thinks the cheerleaders are more fun to look at than the flag...focus!
Sing, or don't. I can't be more clear about this point.  ALL the words.  NONE of the words. Pick. One.
Clapping on conclusion is optional, I recommend this.  Same for cheering!

You: Scott, that sounds pretty simple. It sounds like what my dad told me years ago, so what is the fuss?

Me: Well, some of you aren't as smart as you think.

Kids, look away now....this won't be my typical delicate bloggerspeak.

It's the NATIONAL Anthem and therefore can't be about YOUR team, dumbass!

So, if for some reason you attend a game at Camden Yards in Baltimore you will undoubtedly be subjected to a slightly more rousing "OH say does that star...".  Most of the fans will only appear to know the one word.  It is pathetic...and I am a fan.

I would be able to stop there were it not for my Washington Capitals and their ridiculous fan base. You would equal the Orioles fan base with your .."rockets RED glare"... as if you know no other words in the song.  

But wait!  You do!  It would appear that the proximity of Baltimore and Washington, in combination with a lack of a Baltimore hockey team for the last 10 years or so and the lack of Washington baseball until two years ago has left you in a state of combined fandom.  So not only do we get to hear RED, but we also get the OH!

OH snap, you're REDiculous.

Words with meaning. Simple words with power.

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Simple words with power that just aren't that hard to remember...Christina!

Apologies to fans of the Houston Rockets, Dallas Stars, Atlanta Braves, Tampa Bay Lightning, Cincinnati Reds, and any other professional sports team that uses any of the above words in any way.  I'm sure your fans are just as idiotic during the Star Spangled Banner as my two examples. My slight of not slighting you was unintentional in its intentions.

Please for the love of our great country do not invite celebrities to sing the anthem. From Roseanne Barr who butchered it and thought it was funny to Christina Aguilera who was so busy "singing it" to remember the words...Please don't try to oversing the song. I don't need to know your vocal range, nor do I need to hear your arrangement of the song, sing it like there's a war going on and you're in the middle of it.

The National Anthem, as sung below, is the perfect example of how I want to hear it.

Church is Going to Ruin My Christmas

"Church is going to ruin my Christmas plans!"

You'd think this was spoken by my 7 year old, maybe the teenager, but alas, it was not. These were my words, spoken after the realization that Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. I'm not proud of them at all.  My shame was compounded by the look fom my wife.  It was one part "you'd better be glad the kids didn't hear you," one part "seriously!" and three parts "you better check yourself, before you get struck by lightning and with me standing so close, I'm liable to get hit too, and that is going to seriously mess up my hair and then you're really gonna hear it!"

I had all my traditions swirling around in my head. Waking up at some truly obscene early hour and staring at the clock until 6am, when we were allowed to go sit by the tree. At 7am we were allowed to awaken our parents who would make their way, far too slowly, to the tree. We would open presents one at a time so that each person could enjoy the giving of the present as much as its receipt. When all was said and done, there was brunch to be eaten, while one of the parents would assemble toys and cleanup the wrapping paper carnage. With brunch and it's cleanup, we were typically finished around noon and prepared for a car ride to the grandparents house for more carnage. Fast forward 30 years and now I'm the parent, with totally broken children. I still wake up far too early and they seem to want to sleep. We still open presents one at a time, we still have brunch and cleanup.  My focus for the holiday has always leaned them towards Christ's birth and it's meaning for us.

Up until this conversation...

I can't remember with leap years and all the last time Christmas fell on a Sunday. I'm sure I was just a silent heathen on that day, opting to put tradition ahead of Christ. I was apparently well on my way this year too. I guess I need to pull out the "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" pin early this year. Perhaps I need to trade it for a larger version so I won't miss it when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm thinking anchor size for a battleship would be appropriate?

Oh! The Irony!

Here are some examples of ways your head could get in the way of your heart, and the things that may come out of your mouth as a result...

"I really had my Worship on, right up until they started singing!"

"Service would have really been good today if we'd stopped praying in the middle of the message."

"I'm sorry Lord, can you hold the rapture until we finish the Easter Egg hunt?"

When have you put church (or religious tradition) before Christ?

UPDATE: Scrooged by Worst Buy

This anti-advertisement is brought to you by me, because it is a rant against Best Buy.  You might think they're Best Buy, but they aren't.  They might be Convenient Buy, but they aren't Least Expensive Buy.

So I ordered something back on November 19th, thinking about how fashionably ahead of the curve I was.  It was a Christmas present for one of the kids.  I got a great deal and was fantastically happy to have put one major piece of the puzzle behind me.  I did a good bit of ordering that day and got a lot of emails telling me that orders had shipped, etc.

So being a week before Christmas, Mrs. Mynd and I decided to do some serious wrapping and set about putting gifts in piles to determine what to wrap with what. I noticed that this particular gift was not around so I went looking for the email telling me when it shipped.  I didn't find said email.  I found the order email, and subsequent emails from other orders from "Best" Buy.  So I logged on to there site only to see the dreaded words "order cancelled."

What? When? By whom?  So I call 888-Best-Buy like the website tells me.  This number can also be made to spell you-were-an-idiot-to-believe-us, but I could be wrong.  Anyway, I get the "reward zone" where someone named Ken tells me that he is sorry, but they couldn't get any more and that usually they send out a cancellation notice, am I sure they have my email address correct?  He decides to help me out to overcome the embarrassment that Best Buy feels.  Well, based on his "help" Best Buy doesn't feel all that embarrassed.  Certainly not Go-to-School-Naked embarrassed.  Not giant-zit-on-nose-makes-me-look-like-Rudolph embarrassed.

Anyway, I got totally left hanging out to dry and wanted to make sure it didn't happen to you as well.

Should have just ordered from Amazon.

Public Service message brought to you by Best Buy (oh, they're gonna pay one way or another)

You don't have to comment, there will be a fresh and hopefully funny blog coming tomorrow.

UPDATE

After Reading this link sent to me by FearlessFibro:  http://finance.yahoo.com/news/best-buy-shoppers-black-friday-182924561.html where someone talked about Best Buy making it right, I was skeptical.  But lo and behold this morning I checked my email and found that Best Buy is going to try to make it right.

Half-Vast Ideas

A wise man once said:
"Don't start V A S T  projects with half-vast ideas!"
In that spirit, I bring you the truly random.  Things that pass through my head.  Some of these were aided by others along the way and credit has been given where due.  I'm not hoping to sound like Andy Rooney here,

but I just might wonder why.

How do you throw away a trash can?  I've tried.  Garbage men ignore them.  I tried putting the decrepit old trash can out at the curb empty.  I'm sure there were some puzzled looks, but it didn't seem to have moved later that day after the rest of the trash was taken.  I put a sign on it that said "This is Trash!" and I imagine there was quite the "Who's on first" moment where they still didn't see any trash in the can, but they took the sign, since it was obviously trash.  The next trash day, I put another sign that said "Please Take This!" and as you can imagine, when I arrived home, the sign was gone.  I think they're just messing with me now.  I could simply put a better sign that says "The Trash Can is Trash, Please take the trash can!" but I can't take any more rejection so I am going to mark it as an heirloom and pass it on to my children (like we do all the trash in the landfills where it would end up anyway).  Or I could go all  "slasher movie" on it and cut it into small pieces and put it in a non-biodegradable trash bag and leave that out with a note that says "The Garbage Man made me do it!"

Why do Geese fly in a V shape? (Question courtesy of Teenwolf)
Jay of JaysRamblings notes that it is simply because an E is too complicated. Now, doubtless some of you went to the Disney movie, but hockey is played on ice and Geese migrate away from the cold, but are often found in "warmer" climates on the ice, but not in a V formation, so clearly...NO!
I'm going to say they have (like all of us) seen Top Gun and heard ... "I'm NOT leaving my wing-man"
So, do you think the Goose in the front ever says to himself ...
"I'll hit the brakes and they'll fly right by?"
(Clearly not, since Goose wasn't the pilot)
Tangent Alert: Did you remember that Maverick's "real name" was Pete Mitchell, but who knew that it was Nick "Goose" Bradshaw? Yeah, me neither.  And now back to your regularly scheduled cosign.
But why in a V and not a straight line?  Let's think about the view for a minute.
Who do you think decides who gets to fly in front?  Is there an Alpha-Goose? (I've heard of Gizmo Duck and Darkwing Duck, but not Alpha-Goose)  Is there a pecking order (see what I did there?)  Or does it start like a slow clap?

Which way DOES it go?

So wrong?

Which way does a Toilet paper roll unwind? Clearly I am tackling head-y stuff (see what I did there?)  I always feel like the Thinker when I am in there anyway, only without the stone pedestal.  I've always been a hangs in the front kind of guy ... toilet paper (really? stay with me)  I grew up in a "front" house and I married a "front" girl.  We have kids and though we would shake our head mightily (again, see what I did there?) we plan to allow them to make this choice on their own.  While we're in the bathroom (and I don't like it any more than you do-do)

What is the natural condition of the Toilet seat? I can't believe I'm going to say this...but (the punishment continues) I'm going to have to go with DOWN.  Let me explain:

I'm not using anything
that looks like a water fountain!

3 out of 4 dentists positions support this.  Women sit down for both, Men sit down for one (or they better only sit for one or lose their Man-Card!)
Gravity says anything other than all the way open and leaning against the tank... the seat is falling down.  Even when it appears to be all the way open and leaning against the tank, have you ever had it fall down in mid-relief (not the pitcher in baseball) - can I get a show of hands?  Yeah, none of them are women.  If we don't have gravity, the seat can stay up, but the water would also not stay IN the bowl... completely unheard of...except in France where they have that stupid Bidet thing. Tangerine Alert: I haven't seen a seat on any bidets, so clearly gravity doesn't occur in their presence? Now back to the Orange. So I'm going to have to put it back down.  Oh, and don't be one of those guys who think your aim is that good that you can leave the seat down.

SpamBot
whose head appears
to be an Altoids box

What's with the weird stuff I gotta type to comment on blogs? Since we are close to the end of the post, I want to discuss post comment verification.  Who thinks up these words?  I have over the course of the past two days typed the following "words": suctbing, Tilipis, fructgen to name a few.  Some sites have two words in the most insane lettering ever.  Now the premise of this is good, they don't want spam robots, aka SpamBots, to litter our blogs and other parts of the internet with links to Viagra and lonely women (or both).  The smarter these bots get, the smarter the technology to outsmart them gets.  So now we get to learn new words in new and crazy fonts.  I like to make a game of it, like the old Balderdash.  I will occasionally upon seeing a weird word, add it to my blog response and give it a definition.  I think know it makes me look weird smarter to the post author.

What? I want to write my blog in this drunken font!

Is this Rolling Hills font?

I could so go into the driving on the parkway and parking on the driveway, but it's been done before.

I know what you're thinking... Visionary, vision is scary...

Vanilla Ice was never this scary,
except when he had that stupid goatee... wait.

Funny Rented Zombies in Dirty Coats... on Ice

So my adorable wife, who is always looking out for me (and for fun) (and not as much for the fun budget) sends me this deal... Gaylord Hotel ICE! Washington Harbor where we can see 2 million pounds of ice cut out in Madagascar shapes. Madda-who-haw? Exactly.  It's only $20 for adults and $13 for kids.  Well, unless you stay at the hotel.  The hotel deal is $100 per person per night...for the first two people and then $32 or $27  per adult / kid up to double occupancy.  But wait, you get to see the ice for free!!!! And you get a souvenir photo for free!!!!  And you get in an hour free!!! 

Here is the kicker, the ice area/arena is 9 degrees, so you get a special coat from the hotel.

Of course I want to know, do I want a free picture while freezing my tail off in a super cold barn in a super dorky coat?  Did I mention I paid for all of it by sleeping there?  But wait, I don't get to keep the coat?!?! It's a rental.  I don't like wearing bowling shoes on my feet, which are tremendously far from my nose, why would I want to wear a rental coat?  I know people who aren't me...I don't want to wear their coats, let alone one worn by countless strangers and then sprayed with the equivalent of Axe body spray, to kill the dead body smell.

Which brings me to the weirdest cool thing I've questioned in a while...www.zilok.com as featured in Newsweek.

Turns out people will rent just about anything. Someone rented a Border Collie to a woman who couldn't have one in her building.  I guess she really enjoys frisbees. 

Rent your tools at rates cheaper than Home Depot.  Didn't lose any trees in the last storm, rent out your chainsaw to those that did.  Tools for things like tile work that you don't do very often are a hit.

Rent your cat to eliminate mice (or allergic mother-in-laws) from someone's house. Same rental to a family who isn't sure if a cat is a good pet idea.

Temporary try-before-buy rentals seem big, like a musical instrument.  The cello seems cool, but will they want to lug it to practice?

Recreation can be rented as well, in the form of bikes, running shoes (see my comment on bowling shoes), and kayaks.  I'm pretty sure you can rent a horse, a dog, or both.  I didn't see many sheep, for obvious reasons.  Tents and backpacks for those who need more outdoors, temporarily.

Rentrepeneurs as they were called in the article are cropping up everywhere. (because everyone wants to be a tent slumlord) People are disenfranchised by big company mentality and would rather pay you for the right to use your stuff. I fear these are the same people who are "Occupied!". Wasn't that my REI tent on TV?

I got to thinking, why not rent your chainsaw out as a zombie slayer? (other than the fact that you probably don't want to know the guy looking to make said rental). 

Don't have any zombies, I'm sure someone will rent those too.

Axe body spray to cover up the dead zombie smell, extra.

Receipt Receivers

There's just something about holiday shopping.

An opportunity to fellowship with your fellow man, sure!

Bargains waiting around the bend, gimme more of that!

Let's not forget the right to enjoy the company of other peoples' unattended children (in a non creepy Penn State / Syracuse kind of way of course)... awesome!

But there is a blight on this excruciatingly wonderful process...

What is the deal with the "receipt checkers" at some stores?

Please keep Mr. Minimum Wage employed...

Don't they make advanced security systems and little sensors that make them make delightful noises, like squealing unattended children coming down from a sugar high?  Why do I need to show you my receipt?  And don't give me some fantastic story about how you're keeping costs down by preventing theft or some other nonsense.  In the end, you suspect I am a thief.  I stopped getting carded at the liquor store, because they don't want to offend me and my grey foot long nose hairs.

Don't sit down...

They're telling me I am old, stores with receipt checkers are telling me I am a thief...which is more offensive.  Well, theft speaks to character while age is a fact of life.  I particularly resent this at the membership clubs like Costco, Sams, or BJs.  Most of the time I'm getting groceries. Lots of groceries. Bananas enough to feed a gorilla, because they are cheaper. Big platters of meat. Hotdogs like I'm starting a baseball league.  I don't buy jewelry there and the TV I want is too big to fit in my pocket.  That doesn't keep me from messing with checker dude...

 A recap of the things I've said to him on my last trips:

The highlighter makes him look more official

• "The big screen is in my coat." fairly generic, my first foray into verbal sparring with receipt boy.
• "Did you get the TV on the bottom of the cart?" I'm going for some misdirection, hopefully he wondered for a moment if he was being overpaid to do a stupid job.
• "Oh, thank goodness you're here, I thought I was going to have to load my car by myself." Obviously, I'm shooting to deflate his job further.
• "I had a TV at the checkout, did you take it when I looked away?" Now I'm just going for psychological warfare, his store is silently accusing me of theft, why can't I flip that?
• "It doesn't say it on the receipt, but I got a free banana because I bought 30." I am hoping he'll stop to count the bananas.
• (whispered after looking both ways) "Hey, I left that thing in the bathroom...third stall, right?" Well, self-doubt is awesome, so long as you can instill it in others.
• "they've secretly replaced my coffee with hot chocolate, but I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs, so it's all good." The really loud crazy people get looked at in the car crash kind of way. On the other hand, people look away from the quiet crazy people, maybe I can sneak a TV out next time.  I may have to give him a needy hug to truly sell it, but this may be the way to go.

Looks more like Lady Gaga's IUD

So what ever happened to the gizmos and the people upstairs watching you in the fitting area?

(Train jumping the tracks alert!) Is it a coincidence that the fitting area is where you determine that the dryer hasn't been shrinking all your clothes, and the fitness area is where you go to do something about it?

Is it truly a better security bargain to have Mr. Minimum Wage looking at my receipt? I almost imagine the new Walmart slogan...

WALMART, Where We Hope You Take Stuff and Run.

Have I warned you lately about Sunday afternoon strolls, on Tuesday night, through my mind?