Apocalypse Remorse

If you bought Simple Dude's book, as I suggested here, or even if you didn't you may find yourself on December 22nd with the worse kind of remorse possible. Far worse than its doe-eyed little sister "Buyers' Remorse," and worse even than "What Happens in Vegas Remorse," this is the big bad Apocalypse Remorse.

So you planned on NOT being here reading this blog today?

Well, neither did I. (not really, but it makes good copy) I decided to party like it was 1999 all day on the 21st and let the chips fall where they may. As was the case in 1999, nothing happened and the hangover following that minor computer date apocalypse that did not come to fruition was epic.

There were so many bad decisions that could be made with the peril of the world hanging in the balance, I decided to help you out by making as many as I could.

Bad decision number 1, cutting my hair to look like Michael Stipe, noteworthy front-man for the band REM. I felt that the authenticity I would gather while singing "It's the End of the World as We Know It" was well worth the possible ridicule. I knew the chicks would dig it.

 




Bad decision number 2, all that sex. Now, apocalypse sex is great mind you, a certain freedom and franticness combine to make it absolutely mind blowing. However... Being that it is Saturday, I don't believe I will be allowed in the supermarket (cleanup on aisle 10...and aisle 3)...or the daycare (the daycare lady is hot)...or the senior center...umm, or the church ever again. Macy's was a bit peeved at the view on the elevator, I didn't realize that it was only 2 floors and even I'm not that fast. I'm sure you don't need pictures to draw your conclusions, suffice it to say...it was epic, but I may be moving soon.

 

Need I Say Any More?

I'm sure the boss will appreciate the humor of bad decision number 3... I was just trying to protect company secrets from the zombies by formatting the server. Really. Hollywood gets everything wrong and they want you to think Vampires are shiny, can see themselves in the mirror, don't talk like Bela Legosi, and they hang out in the sunlight. Well, they also want you to think that zombies are all about eating your flesh. I'm here to tell you that zombies are really information peddlers and by scaring people out of leaving buildings (without logging off) they have easy access to all the data they need.

 

I guess with bad decision number 4, my retirement was pushed a bit. I pulled the entirety of my savings and 401K to throw myself an awesome party. You can't imagine how many illicit drugs you can purchase with a couple grand. No, I didn't share. I'm surprised I was able to post this. I found this rare drug. It comes in a pixie stix wrapper, tastes like pixie stix, but the side effects are EPIC! I did so many hits of the stuff that I was talking fast, bouncing off the walls, and then sleeping. After each cycle, I would do it all again. The guy I bought it from swore that it was the real stuff and I scored a lot of it.

Selling my house for cash was probably part of bad decision 4, but it really deserves its to be number 5. Sure the cash contributed wonderfully to my party fund but the new owner is going to be pissed at the telephone ringing from all my creditors who won't get paid.

 

I'm too kind. Bad decision number 6 was the one where I gave it all away. Leading up to the 21st, I stopped doing laundry. I wore every article of clothing I own. Then I bagged it all up and took it to the homeless shelter. Sure some of it was probably unsavory smelling but obviously that's the way homeless men like it, so by pre-soiling them I was doing them a favor, right?

So what WAS I wearing, if I gave it all away? Bad decision number 7 of course, where I became a Super Hero! Here are a few things I learned from that experience: 1. Wonder Woman is not an appropriate Super Hero to emulate if you're a guy and want to be taken seriously. 2. The lanyard of truth doesn't work for anything but to really annoy dangerous people. 3. The bracelets are NOT bulletproof. Some things you learn the hard way.

 

 

 

I could go on with my decisions of doom, but as you can see:

• I have to heal up,
• Find a place to live,
• Find a job,
• Buy some clothes in a store that doesn't recognize me,
• Rebuild my fortune,
• Pay off my creditors,
• Apologize to...well...everyone.

Good news, I heard the homeless shelter has beds AND bags of really fly clothes.

 

So the real question is should I have more remorse for the things I did or should you for not taking advantage of a once in a lifetime opportunity for stupidity? What should you have done?

 

Provided that the Dudes have escaped the Mayan tragedy, I will be hanging out with them this weekend. Be sure to drop by, read some great posts and vote.