The Tooth Fairy is a curious being...
Conversation with my 7 year old...
She: Daddy, I lost my tooth last week but the tooth fairy hasn't come and left me a gold dollar.
Me: Baby, I helped you get the tooth out, I remember.
She: But where is the tooth fairy and why hasn't she taken my tooth and left my dollar?
About this time, I'm seeing her channel the paperboy from Better Off Dead.
 |
| I want my TWO DOLLARS! |
Me: Well Baby, can the tooth fairy find your tooth in all that mess? I bet she can't find the pillow.
She: (she now channels a much older married woman) Daddy! Of course she knows where my pillow is, it looks like a pillow.
Me: well, it would be hard for her to make her way across the acres of toys scattered on your floor.
Wait for it...
She: Dad (sigh) the Tooth Fairy can fly.
Oh man am I in for it.
Now I've spent my fair share of time as a kid trying to catch the dental pixie, with about as much luck as the next guy/gal. I think the Tooth Fairy is really the Tooth Ninja. That has to be a hard job, knowing which kid lost which tooth on what day, getting to each kid's house, avoiding the dogs, not setting off the alarm, reaching under the pillow to find the tooth among the Legos and Doritos crumbs, all while not waking the kid. If I were going to do the job, I could at least be pretending to "check on" or "hug" my kid all the while palming a dollar and praying she doesn't ask why I'm hugging her AND the pillow.
Legend has it that the tooth fairy needs the teeth to build her house. That thing has to be a mansion by now, or does tooth decay require constant replacement? She should spend more time brushing her house obviously than coating it in soda and candy (right before bed)! And how exactly does the Tooth Ninja earn all this money for these teeth? It stands to reason that if she can sneak into houses, not waking anyone, reaching under pillows to find a friggin' tooth, she could just as easily be reaching into the pocket of my pants wadded up on the floor, into my wallet and removing a few small bills. That is just one of the reasons I don't keep cash in my wallet. But, what if she has been watching me use the ATM and knows my pin?!
She must be stopped!
Maybe she is cahoots with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny forming a triumvirate of evil. All three seem to be able to defeat even the most astute security systems and leave a calling card. I think we must enlist the likes of Batman and Superman and the other members of the Justice League of America to stop these predators!
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